The Pros and Cons of Using a Lightsaber

December 18, 2015

So, now that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been officially released, and now that I have spent my entire day editing my gargantuan epic novel (part one!) for the e-book format—which means I haven’t seen the movie yet—it’s time to unleash my final blog dedicated to Star Wars culture:

Yes, it’s a Pros/Cons list!

We all know what a lightsaber is, right? It’s that flashlight-looking handheld device that produces a colorful stick of death when pressed and makes a whoosh sound when swung. You’ve seen it. It’s a giant ice pop that doesn’t melt in your mouth—it melts your mouth! Little boys between the ages of 6 and 79 want one. It’ll probably be the number one requested Christmas gift of the year.

But should you get one for that man in your life? If you are a man, should you get one for yourself?

Here are the pros and cons of using a lightsaber.

Pros:

It looks cool when you wield it.
It makes that really awesome whoosh sound pretty much always, which girls love.
You can use it to power dead electronics in a pinch.
Your friends will envy you for having it.
Your enemies will be afraid of you when they see it.
Your cat will chase it when you fling it around for a cheap laugh.
You can use it to create pathways anywhere you want.
Lightsabers make mock sword-fighting super flashy.
Knowing how to use one makes getting into a Star Wars movie easier.

Cons:

It doesn’t look as cool if you cut your arm off.
It’s not a popsicle, so it can’t be eaten.
It’s not a flashlight, either, and can make things awkward when turned on in tight quarters during a power outage.
Your mom will ground you if she catches you using it.
Once grounded, your dad will confiscate it and use it for himself.
Your cat might blow up if she catches it.
Using it in most public places might get you arrested, especially if you keep it concealed.
If you aren’t that good at sword-fighting, then a lightsaber will really make that clear.
Most of the lightsabers in the Star Wars movies are effects-driven and fake, so bringing in your real one could cause some issues.

So, that concludes Star Wars week at Drinking Café Latte at 1pm.

Stay tuned for news about my upcoming e-book surprise. (My opening statement gives a clue about what’s coming soon.)