A few days ago, Google Play Books announced that it was opening a new beta program to allow authors to convert their existing e-books into auto-narrated audiobooks, potentially turning the publishing game sideways. But what does that mean exactly?
It means that authors who cannot afford to hire a professional voice actor, or the equipment or voice lessons to reliably record their own voices, can still create a high quality audiobook. As long as they don’t mind using an AI generated Google voice to play the role of narrator, they can have their audiobook dreams come true.
And for a limited time, they can do so for free.
This weekend, I tested the feature. So far, I’m pretty impressed with it. But is it perfect? I’d say no. It’s about as good as your book type or genre allows for robotic content. But maybe yours is the right fit. Consider this:
If you’re a nonfiction writer who is focused on topics, not autobiographies, then this new system is definitely one to consider. If you’re a fiction writer, or a writer of visual content, however, then your mileage will vary with this one.
My advice: Check it out. But remember that you’re stuck with the same voice throughout the entire production. The “acting,” for example, is narrative, not dramatic, so keep that in mind. If you’re cool with that as a result, then you should absolutely check this one out. But if not–if you’re the type of author who needs vocal flourish or multiple voices to share in the narration–then you may want to seek other avenues.
I recorded a couple of videos on the topic, which you can view at the bottom of this post. The first is the announcement itself. The second is a general walkthrough of how to use it.
Please also note that this article is a continuation of a series I started in May 2020 about getting published through Google Play Books. I’d written it as a five-part series, but this new announcement shows that there’s more to talk about. Here’s the key information on this latest installment.
Series Description:
Google Play Books has opened its service to all independent publishers, so it’s a good idea to publish your books there and expand your audience reach. But how do you do that? This continuing series walks you through the basic steps to get up and running.
You’ve created the e-book and posted it for sale. But have you considered converting it into an audiobook yet? If so, Google Play Books has you covered. As of April 2022, authors can use its text-to-speech technology to create auto-narrated audiobooks to use on the Google Play platform. This video will peek behind the curtain and demonstrate how that works, as well as to discuss best practices during the conversion process.
This episode also highlights Blakify, an app dedicated to text-to-speech conversions, and ScribeCount, an app that tracks your sales across most self-publishing platforms.
Click on “Create Auto-narrated Audiobook” at top of page.
Select preferred e-book or upload a new one from dropdown menu.
Select ISBN, EAN, or GGKey for reference.
Choose preferred voice actor (based on age, gender, etc.) and speed from header.
Click “Exclude Content” on any page that isn’t necessary for audio.
Listen to and modify text on remaining pages for best output until finished.
Right-click words to check pronunciation.
Remember to credit narrator on title page or in the back matter.
Remember to update copyright information for audio version.
Save changes and Create Audiobook when finished.
Verify description and sales pages for accurate information.
Remember that audiobooks use square book covers.
Thanks for reading. Leave a comment with your e-book information if you’ve published on Google.
Also, if you’d like to read more about Blakify, a professional text-to-speech tool that I use for narrating my articles, please check out my review on my official author website.
This week, I’ve uploaded a five-part series about getting your e-book onto Google Play Books. I’ve used my e-book Shell Out as an example. I cover how to prepare an EPUB, a basic but pleasant PDF, and a fancy PDF that makes eyes happy, as well as cover how to get the book onto Google and what the results will look like once it’s online.
Here is the series and episode summary, along with resource links and action checklists. Enjoy.
Series Description:
Now that Google Play Books has reopened its service to all independent publishers, it’s a good idea to publish your books there and expand your audience reach. But how do you do that? This five-part series will walk you through the basic steps to get up and running.
Google Play Books requires at least one of two formats to get your e-book online and available for consumption: EPUB and PDF. It recommends you upload both. Part 1 of the “Publishing with Google Play Books Series” covers the basics for getting an EPUB ready for the service, using a free EPUB creation tool, Calibre.
Note: This episode covers the simplest method for getting an EPUB built on Calibre and ready for Google Play Books. You’ll need to learn CSS and HTML to develop a more specialized or attractive EPUB file, which this video will not cover. I’ve listed two great resources below to help you take these basics to the professional-level.
Delete drop caps unless you know how to format them properly for EPUB.
Optional: Convert Small Caps to All Caps to ensure all e-readers show compatible formatting (but don’t do this for section headings—just words that characters “see”).
Download Calibre (See Resources for Web link).
Create blank EPUB file.
Fill in title, author name, and whatever else you think is important.
Select proper JPEG image for cover.
Check document conversion attributes.
Check EPUB file type (2 or 3).
Verify table of contents.
Validate external links.
Open file in e-reader to check conversion state (“Click to Path”).
Upload to Google Play Books if happy with results; fix HTML, CSS, or content errors if not.
Part 2: Quick but Effective PDF Formatting for Google Play Books
Google Play Books requires at least one of two formats to get your e-book online and available for consumption: EPUB and PDF. It recommends you upload both. Part 2 of the “Publishing with Google Play Books Series” covers the basics of formatting a PDF for the service, using Microsoft Word.
Note: This episode covers the simplest effective method for getting a stylish PDF ready for Google Play Books. For a more complex but ultimately more rewarding result, come back for Part 4 when I talk about a program designed for better formatting.
Once your books are properly formatted, it’s time to upload them to Google Play Books. This video will show you how to prepare your book’s page and get it onto the service.
Register a partner account with Google Play Books (consult the Reedsy Blog article in the resources section on how to do this).
Go to Book Catalog section to add a new book or access a book you want to edit.
Once inside the book editing page, fill in the fields on all four tabs of the Book Info section.
Use the same description as you have on the other publication sites to maintain consistency. Use bold text and italics to enhance its presentation. Use paragraph breaks to indicate new paragraphs.
Remember to set the release dates: publication is for today; on sale is whenever buyers have access (good for preorders). Set the on sale date far enough in the future to give ARC readers time to read.
Consult PDF version for accurate page count, or divide word count by 250 and round to nearest whole number if you’re not sure.
Use as many genres as the book may occupy, especially since Google doesn’t allow for manual keywords.
List all essential contributors. The author is the main contributor. Coauthors and illustrators are also essential. Editors are essential for curated materials.
Fill in sample size and publisher information, if applicable.
Go to Content section.
Upload EPUB, PDF, and JPEG files.
Go to PRICING section.
Set desired price point. Set worldwide options.
Return to Content section. Check conversion status. Fix errors if any appear.
Provide ARC and beta reader Google emails in the content reviewer section, if any.
Verify all results in the Summary section.
Part 4: Using Affinity Publisher to Create a Stunning PDF for Google Play Books
Creating a simple PDF for Google Play Books is fine. But wouldn’t you rather give your readers something that actually looks nice? In this video, we use Affinity Publisher to create a more sophisticated PDF than the one we made in Part 2.
Note 1: Affinity products are cheaper, non-subscription based alternatives to Adobe products. Affinity Photo, Designer, and Publisher are equivalent to Adobe PhotoShop, Illustrator, and InDesign respectively.
Note 2: All Affinity products are on sale for 50% off until June 20, 2020. Get all three (Photo, Designer, and Publisher) if you want to maximize your development. There is also a 90-day trial period in place until June 20 if you aren’t sure you want to just plop the money down straightaway.
Now that your new book is uploaded to Google Play Books and approved for sale, let’s check it out and see what the customer will see.
This episode also compares analytics between Google Play Books, Amazon KDP, Smashwords, and Draft2Digital, so you get a bonus part-within-a-part for watching this episode. Congratulations.
I’ve updated the “My Books” page with a comprehensive list of not only all of my existing book tiles and brief status descriptions for each one, but also of all of my planned future books.
This is truly the one-stop shop for information on all of my present and upcoming titles. It it’s not on this page, there’s no news on it.
Remember to click the tab, not the drop-down selections, to access the page. Or, you can just click the link here.
Happy New Year to each and every one who reads this update. Hope your year turns out great and that success finds you, whatever that may look like.
Now for some news, both book-related and life-related. Read to the end for the full picture.
E-book Updates:
I’ve been on Christmas break since December 18th, and I’ve been updating some e-books during my break. Three of my books now include a section for readers’ group discussion questions because I want to be pretentious and believe that people would want to talk about my stories. These books include Eleven Miles from Home, Cards in the Cloak, and When Cellphones Make Us Crazy. Each of these also has a new cover and updated interior content for your packaging enjoyment. Cards in the Cloak has been revised from its earlier version, and When Cellphones Make Us Crazy is a remake of an earlier book I published in 2015 called When Cellphones Go Crazy. All of these have been updated on Amazon if you’d like to give them a look.
Also, it’s important to note that some of the prices on my other books have changed to reflect the times. You can still get a few freebies at Barnes & Noble, Apple iBooks, etc., and $.99 versions of those books on Amazon (the lowest I can set them without asking Amazon to price-match, which I WILL do once I’ve finished my rebranding process, but I think they price-match anyway because I have yet to see a dime from them). But, those that are still free won’t likely stay free forever, just FYI.
The updates still have to make their way to Barnes & Noble, Apple, etc., as the holidays tend to slow them down, but Amazon has them all. I expect everything to be up-to-date in the next few days.
I’m providing links to these stories to get you in the supportive spirit. I could use help getting the word out about When Cellphones Make Us Crazy, Cards in the Cloak, and Eleven Miles from Home in particular, but help supporting any and all of them would be awesome, as it would add some general momentum behind my writing career. If you do pick up any of my books at any time (now or in the future), please leave an HONEST review. Books that have no reviews also tend to have no sales. I’ve got 15 books on Amazon that prove this. The “biz” calls it “social proof.” Without it, an author’s career dies on arrival. That’s been my story so far.
Oh, and if you decide NOT to pick any of these books up for yourself for any reason, please tell me why. I’m curious about what prevents readers from getting certain books. Your info would be immensely helpful for the future, and you would have the satisfaction of knowing you’ve helped out your fellow human being (and writer) without spending a dime!
Mailing List:
I’ve mentioned it before, but it bears mentioning again: I’d like to start sending out some newsletters and special offers to my mailing list soon, but to do that, I need subscribers. I don’t have any fancy buttons to get your attention or landing pages to keep distraction at bay. I know how authors are supposed to invite subscribers to their list, but those methods cost money I neither have nor can get without an active readership, so rather than dazzle you with costly bells and whistles, I’ll just simply say I’d like to share with you exclusive news, information, offers, etc. about twice a month directly to your electronic mailbox, topics about reading, writing, characters, movies, useful things I’ve learned to better my life, exclusive and special offers, and so on. I’ll provide an opt-out button if it becomes something you no longer want to read, but I would still like your support during its launch and a fair chance during its development. Again, the plan is for two letters a month. Please subscribe and share!
If you would like to join the list and receive the newsletter, please message me at zippywings[at[hotmail[dot]com with the subject line “Sign Me Up,” or something that’ll alert me that you’re interested in joining, and I’ll put you on the list. Be sure to let me know inside the message that that’s what you want, just so there’s no confusion.
I want to start sending the letter out on the third Tuesday of this month (January 16th), but if I don’t get any subscribers by then (or too few), I’ll be pushing it back to the third Tuesday in February (February 20th). The first letter will be an inauguration letter, but the second (to be released on the first Tuesday in February or March, depending on how many subscribers I have by then) will cover our first discussion topic: Why fiction is an important part of life.
To join the discussion, or to simply read about why it’s important, join my mailing list as soon as possible!
2018: A Projection:
Because I’ve spent so much time relearning how to edit and market the last year and a half, my writing time since May 2016 has suffered. But, I’m steadily moving back into a rhythm, and I hope to start releasing new titles this year.
However, before I get too far ahead of myself, I want to point out the plans I have for the near future and whether or not they’re realistic.
–Snow in Miami–
I didn’t finish this in time for Christmas in 2016 (the original planned release date) or in 2017 (which was honestly unlikely to happen given certain conditions in my life, though I was optimistic), but I have gotten pretty close to finished. I still aim to finish the first draft either this week or next, and I’ll probably post it on FictionPress or some free reading service for feedback shortly after. But, I won’t likely post the e-book until September 2018 at the earliest. I want to make sure I have time to properly review and edit it, as well as create adequate packaging and release it when people are more likely to discover it (research shows that October through December is a bad time to release a book if you’re competing with commercial publishers; otherwise I’d just wait until December). I don’t think 2016 or 2017 was ever realistically on the table given all of the things I’ve been juggling behind the scenes. A 2018 release is extremely likely, though, so keep watch for it (or subscribe to my mailing list to find out when it goes live and where).
-My NaNoWriMo Novel-
The novel I worked on for National November Writing Month (the thriller involving two dumb high school kids uncovering a subversive plot to zombify their town and doing their part to stop it—basically if Bill & Ted were a crime thriller) will be picked at throughout 2018, but I don’t foresee releasing it before 2019. At some point I want to give Kindle Unlimited a try, and I think this will be the perfect story for that platform. If it’s successful, I’ll try it with other books. But, only if. I may finish it this year, but I think summer of 2019 is more likely. I’ll talk more about it the closer I get to finishing it. I’ve got 34,000 words devoted to it so far.
–Pawn of Justice–
On Christmas 2017, which was the ten-year anniversary of the day I started writing the A Modern-day Fantasy anthology, I began the first chapter of Pawn of Justice, the prequel to A Modern-day Fantasy. I will be putting most of my writing focus into finishing the trilogy by next Christmas, and start pushing them off to the public by May 2019.
This is realistic, as I plan to write it the same way I wrote the other A Modern-day Fantasy stories: as one singular story split into multiple parts, taking up about a year of the characters’ lives.
Unlike Cannonball City and Superheroes Anonymous (the currently released anthology entries), Pawn of Justice will not follow Jimmy Knightly as its main viewpoint character, but instead follow FBI agents Joyce McKinley (viewpoint) and Thomas Sturgeon (lead protagonist) as they uncover mysteries linking the underground mafia with a growing presence of superhumans, all leading up to the arrival of the Spotless Cowboy and an introduction to New Switzerland. The third book will provide a clean ending while opening the door to the Jimmy Knightly stories. And, I do not plan to add any fan service by projecting future events that current readers already know about. I hate it when movies do that, so I don’t plan to do that here.
I’ll talk more about this series the closer I get to finishing it.
Once they’re released, I’ll start releasing the official versions of the A Modern-day Fantasy books, beginning with Fallen Stars, Cannonball City, Risen Ordinaries, Rebellious Sidekick, and Superheroes Anonymous, which retell the stories presented in the first two Annual Editions (online now at Smashwords, Barnes & Noble, etc.), but in an even better way.
–Gone from the Happy Place–
I’m still deciding whether I want to wait until I can afford my own ISBNs before moving forward on this one—I may just release the e-book on Amazon for now—but I’ve created a potential cover for it a couple of weeks ago (which can still change depending on feedback), and I pretty much know what I need to do to finish it. It really shouldn’t take me long. I might have it done as early as February, but I won’t be aiming to release it before June. If it gets released as early as February, it will be released to Amazon only, and for $4.99.
But don’t count on it coming out that soon. I want to avoid the mistakes I made with its earlier version, The Computer Nerd. I’ll update you when it’s near release, and I may provide a 40% discount to subscribers to my mailing list (preorder only).
I’ll have to work out the logistics with pricing, though.
–The Celebration of Johnny’s Yellow Rubber Ducky–
As I think I’ve mentioned in an earlier announcement, The Celebration of Johnny’s Yellow Rubber Ducky will be getting a novelized version sometime this year. Again, I’d like to release it by summer, but it depends on how quickly and efficiently I can get my other projects finished. But, either way, I think it deserves a full work devoted to it. The more I think about it, the more I like the story and want to expand on it. Again, the tracks are already in place, so I don’t foresee it taking long to develop. I’ve already got a new beginning written, and most of a new ending. The majority of work I’d still need to do is with structure and pacing, which will be the hardest part of the process.
-Other Books-
I know I still have some outstanding titles to work on, including Teenage American Dream, Sweat of the Nomad, Zipwood Studios, Figments of the Imagination, and My First Mullet, along with other novels that I’ve written or started years ago (like Panhandler Underground and Botanical Rush to name a couple), and the more time that passes, the more it seems they’ll never make the light of day. Rest assured, though, these are still on the list for release.
Teenage American Dream, in particular, hit a development snag last year, and I’ve halted it for now until I can figure out how to correct it. One of the problems with writing “by the seat of one’s pants” is that snags happen, and even if you have a plan (as I did for this one), organic development can still sneak in and change the course of things while uncovering the secrets of others. I like what I have so far (which is almost 75% of the book, or nearly 70,000 words), but I’ve reached a point where I think I need more knowledge or understanding about a specific topic that I don’t yet have and would need time to research, which I think is important, to continue it, and making that time has been a challenge lately. But, I’ll get there. Also, the title will be replaced with something else, as “Teenage American Dream” was originally given to the 2006 short story I wrote for Seven-Sided Dice: The Collection of Junk, Volume 3, using the same character, and I’ll probably want to rerelease that story, with that title, as a side-chapter during its promotional phase.
Sweat of the Nomad and Zipwood Studios will eventually undergo the same decision: their short story versions will retain these titles and the novels based on these stories will have different titles. I have no idea when I’ll get around to updating these, though. Probably not before 2019.
Figments of the Imagination has actually undergone some development in 2017, but I stalled when NaNoWriMo started. I’ll be getting more of it done in 2018, but I have no idea when I’ll have it ready for release. I doubt it will be finished in 2018, and I wouldn’t even expect it for 2019. It’s going to be a big story with big world-building, and I want to get it right. I’m going to aim for 2020 for that one. It’ll be a lot fun, though. My plans for it are pretty awesome. The first chapter for it can be read at the end of Cards in the Cloak.
My First Mullet has stalled simply because it’s a niche product, and I don’t expect much of a market for it. It’s more of a passion project that I want to finish for myself and its cult followers, and I think I can take my time with it. It’ll be finished eventually. I haven’t been in a hurry, though. If you don’t know anything about it, it’s essentially a collection of poems and short stories about the war between man and his mullet. A few of its entries can be found on this blog. It’s as ridiculous as it sounds.
Panhandler Underground is a novel I wrote in 2005, but I never did anything with it because I needed to redevelop it to better fit the way government institutions would actually operate (albeit in a satirical way). Once I’m comfortable with the progress I’m making on Pawn of Justice, I plan to revisit this story by creating a trilogy out of it (well, an anthology where it would be the third book in a series but not the last). I’ve already outlined the two books that’ll come before it, more or less, so I don’t expect it to take long to develop once I get going on it. But, I can assure you that this will be a fun one. The current 12-year-old manuscript is a big hit with the people I allow to read it. I expect the update to be better and slightly more believable.
Botanical Rush is another passion project I started in 2007, but stopped when A Modern-day Fantasy took over my life for the next five years. I’ll get back to it one of these days. I did a lot of research for it, so I’d hate to waste it. I also stalled because I didn’t think the inciting incident was good enough, and I still haven’t thought of a way to improve it. I will. Eventually. I’ve got eleven chapters written for it already. Again, I’d hate to waste it.
So, these are my likely releases in the next couple of years, with a few maybe taking until 2020 to finish. I still want to update Gutter Child, too, so that may or may not happen before 2020. I think that’s plenty to think about, though. Oh, and I want to write and release one more Christmas story after Snow in Miami to round out my Christmas fable trilogy. That’ll likely happen in 2019, as I plan to write it now to make sure it gets done.
The Main Obstacle to These Goals:
My job has been emotionally challenging lately. I make about $15,000 a year doing it, even though I have a Bachelor’s degree in English and the degree is related to my field. The job is no longer what it was when I started, though, and I don’t know if it will ever go back to being the good thing that it was. I’m beginning to sense that my skills are going to waste and the money has been too low for me to really improve my life. I started publishing e-books as a way to supplement my annual income, but I haven’t really been selling any of those, either, so I’m still struggling financially, and, in turn, emotionally.
I’m looking to make a change in 2018 for the better, financially, socially, and even spiritually, and I don’t think it’s going to happen if I stay where I am. So, I’ll be devoting a good chunk of my time trying to also rebuild my career goals and hopefully find myself in a different and better place by this time next year. I don’t know how this will affect my writing or my story goals, but I wanted to alert my readers that this is something I’ll also be working on, and it may or may not shift some of my above goals around. That said, your support is appreciated in any form, including prayers, so if you’re still reading, thanks for coming with me this far.
Another Newsletter Reminder:
Again, I hope you all have a great 2018 ahead.
Remember, I’m looking for new subscribers. As I slowly phase Drinking Café Latte at 1pm out from being my primary news source, the best way to get updates and exclusive offers from here on out is to subscribe to my mailing list. Message me at zippywings[at[hotmail[dot]com with the subject line “Sign Me Up” to get on the list to join. Don’t wait for the fancy buttons to be incentivized! Remember, joining will give you access to exclusive newsletters about reading, writing, things I’ve discovered that you should know about, free offers, etc. If all that sounds questionable, remember, it’s a newsletter I’ll send out approximately twice a month and it won’t take up much of your time, so there’s no reason not to join. Again, contact me at zippywings[at[hotmail[dot]com with the subject line “Sign Me Up” to get on the list to join. It’ll be fun.
From the dawn of time,
To the dusk of the present,
Man has warred internal
Over matters of many,
From the depths of his wallet,
To the tip-tops of his very head,
Raging against new horrors,
Nitpicking at the mundane,
Yet feeling lost at all points
Here and in between.
This personal strife
Has not abated quietly,
For the man must fight daily
With those demented elements
That come hotly against him,
Designed to inconvenience,
Or simply to put him out
Into the cold, dark world
Of vanity.
This war internal
Has not been a lone battle,
But a war of singularity’s parts,
A test of will against the pieces,
The pieces that define him,
And the bits that form him,
Internal and external,
Of blood and mullet alike.
This war has raged
Since the beginning of time.
But today, perhaps,
Man shall, at last, see its end.
Today, perhaps,
He may put his strife to rest.
Given that nothing happens
To compromise the peace he seeks
With those pieces of himself
That have remained at war.
Perhaps, today, if all bodes well,
Man will be at peace with his mullet.
Man:
Will our madness ever cease,
This perversion of taste,
Such antithesis to peace?
Or, are we destined to skirmish,
All day, into night
Like some confused dervish?
Uncomfortable with our sight,
Steadfast in identity,
Clashing over who’s right?
We fight with the mirror,
You and me, against sanity;
O’ the results couldn’t be clearer.
Our war is attrition,
Where neither is a winner;
We both deserve admonition.
Yea, a mullet you may be,
But my hair you still are,
And baldness escapes we.
In a world where image reigns,
And respect is found in covering,
We must take our salt in grains.
Peace between us must be found.
Shall we truce then, dear mullet?
Shall we reach our common ground?
Mullet:
Oh, you wacky simpleton,
I never wanted to fight.
My job was to protect you,
From birds, bugs, and light.
It was you who hated me,
Not I who hated you.
I just wanted a chance to live,
To claim my right as hairdo.
Dear confused man, you,
So short of your seeing,
Your scalp is my dwelling place,
A canvas for my being.
Why shall I battle
Against my very home?
What purpose is it for me
To strip myself off the dome?
Man of vanity, sir of strife,
Our war is doth misplaced.
Much else demands your attention,
My aggression is but chaste.
Riots, speech, and bloodshed,
True problems in need of release.
Shouldn’t those be your sadness?
Can’t you grant me peace?
Man Bun:
Ooh, a quarrel among soulmates,
How juicy, how saucy!
I must scrutinize this drama
As one swirls a fine wine.
Analyzing the players of this story,
Shall grant me a great pleasure.
Oh, yes, the play-by-play, sublime!
How may I capture this event forever?
Behold! One of you is a vessel,
Designed to carry the other.
The other of you, a passenger,
Designed to ride like a leech.
You fight! You make up!
A narcissistic fever dream.
The spitting image of my own battle,
A battle you’ve also fought with me!
Man:
Oh, no! What interloper is this?
Has horror visited me twofold?
Has decency gone amiss?
I lie speechless at this entrance,
At this, intrusion, at this mess—
Narrator:
The mullet interjects!
Mullet:
You! Cross-pollinated monster!
Who invited you to our party?
This battle has kept sacred
Our intimate anger quarte!
The man duels. I duel.
A gentleman’s war with image.
But you, oh foul beast!
You have no place within our scrimmage!
Be gone! Be gone,
Horrid golem of insanity!
You are perversion of style,
Man’s folly for vanity!
How dare you infect it,
The sacred image of man?
How dare you supplant me,
Hair most foul in all the land?
Man Bun:
My, my, somebody’s testy today!
You say to me I’m unwelcome?
Have you the right to tell me off,
Infamous “Do” of the eighties?
I think that I think not, dear un-sir!
Cast a stone at me at your peril.
I am no pushover to hairbound justice!
I can tangle with the best of you!
The night is young and so am I.
With a twist and a pop, I exist!
Listen to me, yesterday’s news,
My physique needs no shears to shine!
All I need is a rubber band and a will,
And maybe arched shoulders and pride.
The best of men wear me, you hear me?
The best of men wear me for truth!
Man:
Oh, no! This interloper is man bun!
It has its grips set upon me.
Save me, mullet, for I am done!
Mullet:
They say the enemy of my enemy
Is my friend, ice cream scoop head!
But man is no longer my enemy,
And you, top knot, are not my friend.
I know your game and what you seek,
And this peace you shall not invade.
Reconciliation is my order of business,
Not a threat from a twisted man braid!
Man Bun:
Dear Mullet, you misinterpret me;
I do not seek to invade your space.
You see, I am the new kid on the block,
Observing a world in which to fit in.
The places around me abound in wonder,
And the joys I bring are geometrically sound.
I come to satisfy the hunger of man,
To shape into anything he shall imagine.
But that is not all that I am, Mullet, I hope you see.
No, there is more to me than meets the eye.
So, please listen, intently, to what I wish to share,
As early judgment against me will fulfill no victory.
This message, I insist, benefits us both,
And you shall know why our peace must exist.
Now, look me in the bulb, dear Mullet.
Take hold of my ponytail and see!
Do you not understand where I come from,
Or the ignorance of your lambast against me?
I have not come here to start a war with you.
No, friend, that is not the goal I keep.
The imperativeness of my clarity, I hope you know,
Is paramount to our mutual trust.
So, please understand my message, friend Mullet.
Please listen, as I do not wish to enrage you again.
Yes, I choose not to pull you into aggression, my pal;
No, no, no! An engagement of battle I do not seek.
We shall have no beef on this or any other day,
For you and I were born of the same place.
Yes, dear Mullet, we are brothers,
Like fraternal twins, but better.
Do not fight against me, or the future.
Instead, join me, and let us make this world of men stronger together.
Narrator:
Oh dear, what do we see,
But the internal war
That hair has among itself?
Is it true then, dear humanity,
That vanity is a vicious circle,
Set to fight all who oppose it,
Even when the source of vanity
Is just another victim of vanity?
Shake your heads, men.
Shake your heads in shame!
For the man bun is upon you,
The man bun has come to stay!
(To be continued…)
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I don’t write poetry often, but I do appreciate what it accomplishes when done well. Every once in a while I get a little inspiration to poeticize, and last night was one of those moments. Here’s what I wrote. Enjoy.
My Fading Silence
I’m not sure where I am, or how I got here,
But that person whom everyone surrounds
Immediately takes notice of me,
And he calls me over, as if he knows me.
I know I should listen to him, listen intently,
For he commands authority—
I can tell by his voice.
I can tell by the way everyone stops to hear him speak.
He recognizes me, I know that for sure,
And perhaps I should be troubled,
Troubled that I’ve yet to recognize him.
But I don’t. I don’t feel any trouble here at all.
I sense that the man already knows this,
For he’s nodding at me, as if to say it’s okay,
That he’s not offended by my ignorance,
That in time my blankness will all make sense to me.
“Over here,” he says, as he points at a spot nearby.
“Come, let me offer you a word.”
I push through the crowds,
Still wondering how I even got here,
As I don’t remember where I came from,
Or what I was doing when I left wherever.
I just know that I’ve never been here before,
Yet, somehow I’m no stranger to this man.
I sit by his feet, and he instructs me to take higher ground,
Not quite level, but close enough to look him in the eye.
I feel a little small, if I’m honest,
Though, maybe I am a little small.
Many of the people here are larger than me,
Not all, but many,
And a part of me wants to feel intimidated by them.
I’ve already figured out that I’m not.
Anxiety does not describe my feeling,
Even though I wonder if maybe it should.
I know next to nothing but what I see.
The faces in the crowd are peaceful,
Convincing me that I’m right to relax,
But I can tell they’ve left behind some baggage—
It seems their peace has come at a price—
They hide it well, their smiles are bright, but I know I don’t identify.
The man does not hurry in his speech.
Whatever he has to tell me, it is no longer urgent.
But his soft smile convinces me that I still need to hear,
That a lack of urgency is not the same as a lack of importance.
I open my ears and wait for his word with anticipation,
As does every person still standing in the crowd,
Every person who leans forward in expectation,
Also without hurry in their faces or posture.
The man balls up his hand into a tight fist,
And he gently taps me in the shoulder with it.
He says, “Sorry you didn’t get your shot, my son.
Sorry they never gave you a chance.”
With a comforting look he says, “You could’ve been a contender.
A fighter like you, I know you would’ve changed their lives.
And you would’ve put a smile on their faces.
You had such potential, and you would’ve done much, I’m sure of it.”
Sitting up as straight as I can,
I look him back in the eyes,
Wondering what more of this I don’t know but should.
“My son?” I ask, flabbergasted at my memory lapse. “Am I your son?”
At least, that’s what I think I say—
It’s hard to tell if my mouth has a voice,
As I’ve never actually heard it before,
But it sounds like I might.
The man opens his palm—it looks different than mine—
And he pats me on my head.
For some reason, this makes me smile.
Again, I don’t know why.
“You are always my son,” he says,
“But I wasn’t always your only father.”
I hear the words washing over my ears,
But I don’t fully understand what they mean.
He acknowledges my silent question with an audible answer.
“Let me explain,” he says, but he doesn’t stop there.
Just as many of us here, who also rest in this unfamiliar place,
Do not have the wealth of memories that so many others do,
He recognizes mine as being equally dry,
And he begins to tell me how I got here and why.
None of it makes any sense to me.
He smiles and says it’s not really supposed to make any sense.
He tells me my story, and I don’t know how to respond,
For even though it’s true, it feels like it should be a lie.
Maybe I don’t understand the place I’ve come from,
But I find it hard to imagine it would treat me with such disregard.
When I look at the people around me,
Each with their own stories to share,
I silently beg them to help me understand,
Yet they only echo the story my father tells me.
They tell me what I don’t want to hear:
That even though they’ve all come here under differing circumstances,
My circumstance is among the most common—
Traveling from stage one to stage three,
Without the necessary transition through stage two,
An arrangement by way of ignorance, or stupidity,
Or by way of entitlement, they say.
The hand of a robber, of a soulless villain.
He assures me that I’m not alone here.
Sixty million others were once like me.
That’s a number I don’t fully comprehend,
But he tells me it’s enough to fill a civilized nation.
I continue to listen to what he says,
And he continues to explain things to me with an apology.
He keeps telling me that I’ve come here prematurely,
But now that I’m here, I can live again.
Perhaps I should be okay with this reality,
And maybe I can be fine with the reasons that drive it,
But I have to wonder now if I am, really.
I have to wonder if I’ve been cheated somehow.
I can’t say I feel any animosity toward those who put me here,
For this place doesn’t seem to generate negativity,
Whereas the place I came from was full of it, so I’ve heard,
But I know something about the way I’ve come here isn’t fair.
I don’t know how many years have passed since I’ve awoken here.
They say time has no meaning in this place.
But what I’ve learned from my father in this ubiquitous infinity
Is allegedly heartbreaking—it certainly is to him—
Though, I must confess that I don’t know what I’m missing,
Or what opportunities I’ve been denied,
Or what emotions have been stripped from my existence,
Or why such lack of emotion has sent me here in the first place.
All I know is that I had a different body once,
Not yet fully formed, but certainly formed enough.
I did not yet have a voice, but I could still scream.
And scream, I did plenty of in those moments before I came here,
When my body was ripped apart from suctioning,
And my head crushed between two steel clamps,
In the name of women’s right to choose, whatever that’s supposed to mean,
Though I’m sure the people killing me couldn’t quite hear my voice.
–Jeremy Bursey
Just a side note, I know I’m behind on Friday Updates. Haven’t had much news the last couple of weeks. Not sure if I’ll have one tomorrow, either. I’ve been spending a lot of time relearning editing techniques and things, and I want to eventually apply them to some of my existing works. I still have all of my future plans for this site in mind. Sometimes takes a while to get everything together.
And now we come to the “Back to the Future” Day Week celebration’s main event:
Working Cover for “My First Mullet”
In the year 2000, I began My First Mullet, a series of poems about man’s epic struggle with his hair, the nefarious mullet that somehow becomes part of him, a four-part skirmish in which he attempts to vanquish his foe through the shear might of…well, a pair of shears. In the year 2011, I came back to finish the chronicle of the man who is now at full-scale war against his trashy shaggy nemesis, where the battle is no longer personal, but a clear struggle between good and evil. And even though I wrote well past the eight poems that told of the war to chronicle the “collateral damage” caused by the event, I wanted to celebrate Back to the Future Day with the installments that tell of the direct conflict.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you My First Mullet, parts 1-8, in their complete, unaltered forms. Enjoy and comment at the end.
My First Mullet—The Prologue
.
I thought it was a nice day to start again,
Since the past dished rough times on my head,
Blowing fierce wind all through my hair,
Tangling long locks in front of my eyes,
Blinding me to the truth that hid on my scalp;
Revelation that a jungle weeded out from within me.
.
I discovered the hard facts when my reflection vanished,
Which resulted from losing sight of my mirror,
Blocked by the curtain hanging and tangling before me,
Leaving maybe glimmers of the image I looked for,
But screaming that I was wasting my time trying,
Therefore awakening the need for some chopping.
.
I took a trip to the upscale downtown shear shop,
Where guys in white coats snipped and cut people’s heads,
Trimming former shrubs into sculpted bushes of art,
Applying buzzers against the narrow lawns near naked ears,
Dropping dead strings and body mulch to the floor,
Leaving a new kind of carpet for the scissors people to sweep.
.
I was called to sit in the chair of reconstruction,
Where the Sultan of Shears held his tool against my neck,
Asking what kind of transformation I expected that day,
Which I suggested just cut and go and maybe surprise me,
So the metal edges of the chop device began before my eyes,
Clearing out the obstruction that blinded and annoyed me.
.
I twiddled my thumbs underneath a plastic sheet,
Waiting for the job to be done without complication,
But something occurred to me in the middle of my surgery,
That I liked the length of my back and desired to keep it,
So I asked the hair doctor to leave my reverse side alone,
Just to sculpt me so that I could have vision before I left.
.
I left the building when the project became success,
Proud that my vision returned and my hair maintained control,
But my joy had depleted after going home to watch TV,
To see one of the trash talk shows coming on air with high volume,
Revealing its guests in all their bickering glory,
Each wearing the same haircut I knew I just received.
.
I looked in the mirror to discover my folly,
Shaping what should have been a normal style of trim,
Into something that was disproportional and found on truckers,
Which would’ve been okay if I drove diesel behemoths,
But I didn’t so I could not handle the barber’s new creation,
So I decided to find some scissors and remove my first mullet.
.
My First Mullet—The Transition
.
I never used to care about hair,
It was always something that was just there.
.
But when I knew it was getting long,
Ignoring it would’ve just been wrong.
.
I decided I would get it chopped,
Down at the local barber shop.
.
But when I felt the trim completing,
I could feel my dear dignity depleting.
.
I thought short was the way to go,
Since that’s the only style I know.
.
But scissors stopped above my brow,
Leaving the back of my head to grow.
.
Now my hair flows a funny way,
Stuck to the top with back blowing away.
.
It’s like a raccoon cap glued to my head,
Without the stripes or fur to shed.
.
It also makes my neck feel hot,
Especially since I sweat a lot.
.
But I’m disappointed about this no matter what,
Because I wish I never got my first mullet.
.
It forces on me an achy-breaky heart,
Tempting me to rip it savagely apart.
.
Now that I have scissors in hand,
I’m slashing the back to fit my demand.
.
I may not care a whole lot about hair,
But I know when people start to stare.
.
My First Mullet—The Aftershock
.
Why do you torment me,
Hair among hair?
You flop short of my forehead,
But flow like a cape down my back.
Waves twist around my neck,
As you are careful not to touch my eyes.
Now I know what it feels like,
To be an eighties rock star.
.
I did not expect your arrival,
Hair among hair.
Barbers informed me of a new style,
Insisting it would be cool.
Then they cut me in places,
Leaving others alone.
I demanded scissors at each angle,
But they lost their tip instead.
.
My heart is now sunken,
Hair among hair.
I wanted total hair shortness,
But must deal with shortcoming.
I used to find enjoyment,
In the way the wind touched you.
But now you’re so uneven,
And people just want to make fun.
.
You may be my first mullet,
But with these shears I must make you
My last.
.
My First Mullet—The Apocalypse
.
A pile of you lies on my floor,
As I hold shear victory in my hand.
My blades scoff at your weakness,
Taunting back the curses you spat—
Curses aimed at the top of my head,
Insults you hurled from the back of my neck.
.
You thought you could hurt me,
With your devastating look of lunacy.
But your attack failed by my hand,
So now you must suffer your fate—
To be swept up and thrown away,
Like careers of musicians who once wore you.
.
You lost my respect at the barber’s chair,
But there was nothing I could do.
You convinced the stylist you were cool,
Secretly crossing your fingers and laughing—
Those strands that tangled behind my neck,
Which I could never see without angled reflection.
.
You may have won that first victory,
When the stylist ignored my plea to cut.
But the scissors in my hand says never again,
Your decimation proven by my face in a mirror—
Which reflects back a short uniform hair helmet,
Completely free of extra mullet residue.
.
Except…
.
Somehow I can see you trying to attack again,
Creeping your way down the back of my neck,
Without coming anywhere close to my eyes,
Making me wish that you would blind me.
.
My First Mullet—The Immaculate Collection
.
Ten years ago the mullet died.
Clipped from the source of life it fed upon,
Fallen to the linoleum earth,
Swept away,
Bagged and shipped to the landfill of time.
.
Fifteen years ago it abandoned style.
Gone was its fame, dying was its fate,
Missed by none, duped by some,
It lost its grace,
Heading for the wasteland of time.
.
Twenty years ago it tempted fate.
Born on the head of a Lethal Weapon,
Dancing on the head of rock star generals,
In the breeze it swayed,
Riding on the glories of time.
.
But then…
.
Caught in time’s spiraling vortex,
The mullet spun out of control,
Clawing its way to the present,
Fighting to survive its apocalyptic fate,
Vying to conquer the world again.
.
Mullet explosion!
.
Today it experienced rebirth,
Gaining new fame online.
From business in the front, to parties in the back,
The mullet returns from the grave.
Immaculately, it rises.
.
My First Mullet—Shear Brutality
.
They rise up, seeking hair.
The blades of justice,
The blades unfair.
They seek the scent
Of misshapen style;
They search for trashiness;
They invade without guile.
.
Modernization under cover
A quiet closet eighties lover,
It was a rock-born sympathizer,
A trailer park’s lucky clover;
Jeopardy, it shrieks at scissoric threat
The blades had cast from the net,
And the fear makes it sweat;
It hides, but cannot run.
.
Madness comes, chaos ensues;
The blades of shears come flying.
.
The hairnet breaks, the mullet quakes;
A hairpiece has fear of dying.
.
Tragedy falls from the gown to the floor,
A sink washes life out the door.
.
Lament the mullet at the hands of fate,
Shear brutality forces a cleaned-up slate.
.
My First Mullet—Failure of a Stylist
.
Eyes peer at me through the mirror,
While a smile feigns delight,
Her expression becomes a twinkling,
As her clippers say goodnight.
.
My stylist bounces from the chair,
To the victor go the spoils.
Does she think I want to pay for this?
She hardly even toiled.
.
“What were you thinking?” I begin to say,
Out loud in a lucid daydream;
Of course she doesn’t hear the question,
For she’s focused on her styling cream.
.
I attempt to ask another question:
“Could you take a little more off the back?”
As she squirts the cloying foam in hand,
She grimaces; do I lack tact?
.
“Oh come now,” she says with a cackle,
“The girls are gonna love it,
You’ll be the talk of this crazy town,
No woman can resist a mullet.”
.
A fear begins to grip me,
For I’ve been in this place before.
Is my stylist just an idiot,
Or does she have an agenda something more?
.
“I’d really like a shorter cut,”
But my words fall on deaf ears.
Before she gives me my chance to object,
She puts away her shears.
.
“That’ll be thirty bucks,” she says with joy,
“But here’s a kiss for luck,”
Of course she can hardly control her lips,
For her laughter becomes untucked.
.
She must know she won’t see a tip from me;
Only madmen reward a fool,
But as her fingers remove my tainted gown,
I realize I must remain cool.
.
There’s one more chance to counter, I realize,
Last one before we hit the sink,
Once the shampoo dampens what remains of me,
My heart will be in the drink.
.
As she swiftly wheels my chair around,
And beckons me forward off my seat,
My heels stamp the stark linoleum floor,
And my body whirls from my feet.
.
Once again I’m facing the cold, clear mirror,
Eyes locking gaze with reflective eyes,
Her hardened expression dares my action,
But my hand ignores her cries.
.
I reach for the dormant and silent clippers,
Taking matters into my own hands.
But then my distracted head jerks backward;
She’s taken my mullet into her own hands.
.
“Revenge,” she whispers into my buzzing ears,
“Sickly sweet, my handsome dear,
Never distrust a stylist’s rightful eye,
If you want to know no fear.”
.
I shudder to think what she’s thinking about,
And then it dawns on me.
I once questioned her on that “cool” bowl cut,
And challenged her integrity.
.
Idiot maybe, but not a fool;
She had me in her hair-stained grip.
Once again I screamed that she was right;
Then she forced me to give that tip.
.
My First Mullet—My Second Mullet Rises
.
“What’s that thumping sound, little boy?
The beating of your fearing heart?
Did you reverse your hillbilly beard this morning?
Your back hair grow upward into your brain?”
.
I’m not listening to you, mullet;
You do not exist.
.
“Why are you running so quickly, little boy?
Did your barber fill your heart with dread?
You think your feet won’t trip over those locks of yours,
Do you think you can escape my grip?”
.
I’m not listening to you, mullet;
You do not exist.
.
“Come, come, little boy, come listen to my tale,
You hear my voice calling, do you not?
Pounding like the thunder on an oval racetrack,
Or the roar of victory over roadkill done shot.”
.
I’m not listening to you, mullet;
You do not exist.
.
“A wizard who lives in a trailer park, little boy,
That wizard gave me my super power today.
With a flick of your barber’s muddled brain,
Your history will now wash, rinse, and repeat.”
.
Go away, you wretched mullet;
You will not exist.
.
“Now, now, little boy, can you hear the pounding of your fearing heart?
I can hear it stammering deep within you,
Deep inside your chest, stammering,
Like poisoned lice wanting to escape.”
So, we finally caught up to Marty McFly’s fictional future. Hurray! That means we get to complain about all of the cool things we were promised but never given. It also means that, tomorrow, we will be officially hurtling into the unknown true future, a place of possibility but great uncertainty, a place where technology could overrun humanity or humanity could overrun technology, a place where Marty McFly is no longer our compass but a passenger on the DeLorean ride to the…future, but a place that might, just might, have hoverboards and self-lacing Nikes. Just might.
That’s all assuming Marty McFly doesn’t hang around until the following day–it’s been so long since I’ve seen Back to the Future, Part 2.
At any rate, I wanted to join the bandwagon of celebrating our merging of real life with movie fiction by calling up some pop culture history this week. So, over the course of the next few days, I want to present new reviews, essays, and other fun things to loosely tie into Back to the Future Day and all that it implies.
Come back tonight, starting at 8pm EST, for the official launch of Drinking Cafe Latte at 1pm‘s Back to the Future Day celebration. I’m not offering anything revolutionary here, but I am offering some fun blasts from the past. So, check back often this week, as I’m planning to post something new and loosely relevant each night, and in some cases, like tonight, multiple relevant things.
Here’s the tentative calendar:
Tonight at 8pm: A Goodreads review of my favorite book of all time.
Tonight at 9pm: A Goodreads review of my second favorite book of all time.
Tomorrow at 8pm: A review of my favorite movie of all time (from the year of the first Back to the Future).
Tomorrow at 9pm: An essay about hoverboards.
Friday at 8pm: A celebration of the 80’s best and most infamous hairstyle.
Friday at 9pm: A continuation of the infamous hair celebration, in the form of my infamous poetry.
Saturday and/or Sunday (time uncertain): TBA. Check back here for an update.
With summer just around the corner,
Unless you’re reading this in September,
You may want to try something new
To spice up your season.
Yes, you can play baseball or football,
Or go fishing or drag racing.
With the possibilities endless,
You may want to try a little of everything.
But, may I suggest something?
Try my favorite recipe:
Southern Fried Mullet!
It’s simply delectable.
Now, don’t let the name intimidate you.
It is much simpler to make than you realize.
You just need a pot and a few ingredients,
And you can be on your way to summer spice.
Before you can manage a hot, crisp mullet,
You need to acquire these items;
Remember, we do things differently
Down here in the South.
If you want a “Northern Fried Mullet,”
You’ll simply have to change your ingredients
According to your style.
But I don’t recommend doing anything “northern.”
First you need a medium-sized pot,
Perfect for holding plenty of water.
You’ll also want to grab a fry pan or skillet,
Perhaps the one you threw at your spouse last night.
Without these necessary kitchen aids,
You won’t get much frying done on that mullet,
So make sure you’ve got at least one of each.
It doesn’t matter if they’re clean.
Next you’ll want some “southern ingredients,”
Like onions, okra, peppers, and cheese.
Get creative!
Frying mullet is a celebration.
Be spontaneous.
If you don’t have the “right” ingredients,
Then you can use the next best stuff.
Improvise!
Most importantly, be sure you have the mullet.
You can’t fry a mullet if you don’t have the mullet.
Terrible people have tried, and disaster befell them.
Don’t fry a mullet if you don’t actually have the mullet.
Also, stock your cabinets with oil and breadcrumbs.
Down here in the South,
We love our breadcrumbs.
We bathe in breadcrumbs.
Once you’ve confirmed your ingredients,
Fill the pot with ten cups of water
And bring it to a slow boil.
Or, bring it to a fast boil; it doesn’t matter.
While you wait for the pot,
Spread butter and oil across the skillet,
Then set your burner on “high.”
Mullets need to sizzle before they fry,
And nothing says sizzle,
Like a mullet set to “high.”
Once you hear the gentle rolling pops,
Turn the burner down to “medium.”
By then the butter should be oil thin,
And the mullet should be ready
For its ten-minute date
With the fry pan.
When the pot water boils,
Toss in all your ingredients at once.
You may have noticed we skipped a step:
Measuring the amount of onions, peppers, etc. you need.
Like the speed of the boil,
The amount you use is contingent on preference.
Use as much as you’d like.
Remember that more onions means more spice,
And more peppers means more heat.
When you fry your mullet, you’ll want heat and spice.
Once your kitchen fills with steam,
It’ll be time to put the mullet in the pan.
Slow the boil down to “low,”
Then cover if your pot has a top.
Between the onions, okra, peppers, and cheese,
You’ll have a soup in the making.
A good fried mullet goes best with soup.
It’s how we do things here in the South.
Did you remember to grab a bottle of oil?
Now’s the time to bring it to action.
Measure two cups of oil with your favorite cup
And gently begin pouring it onto the mullet.
The mullet should be doused in oil
Before it hits the pan.
Doing so will soften its texture.
Then roll it through a plate of breadcrumbs.
Once the mullet is properly prepped,
You may finally set it in the fry pan.
Now, be careful with this step.
Be very careful.
For, you won’t want to burn yourself
On the pan or skillet.
Always use caution when frying a mullet;
I recommend you call on a parent or a friend
To help guide you to the pan,
As you gently lean over and tilt your head—
Grip the edge of the stove tightly,
For you’ll want to keep balanced,
As your oil-soaked hair sizzles in butter
For the next ten scary minutes.
Don’t worry!
That burning smell is expected.
Once your ten minutes are up,
Promptly remove your hair from the pan,
And grab a dishtowel to protect your neck
From the excruciating heat that may follow.
Just stick it between your hair
And the back of your neck.
It’ll be enough to prevent a rash.
But you might still have a red neck.
Finally, as your fried mullet begins to cool,
Lean over the pot and remove the lid.
You should be ready to soak it in the soup
And give it its final texture.
Let it sit in the cauldron for about three minutes.
Once the gooey cheese soaks in,
And the onions, okra, and peppers marinate the hair,
You can pull it out of the pot and turn off the burners.
Then: Viola! Southern Fried Mullet,
Just in time for summer,
Or fall or winter or spring.
Perfect for that fashion statement,
You’ve been wanting to make,
Proving that chicken nugget-skinned hair
Is just as stylish as gel or purple dye.
And that’s how we do it here in the South.
Oh, and just to be clear,
If you thought this recipe
Had anything to do with frying fish,
You should know by now,
I mean really know by now,
That we don’t care about that kind of mullet.
That’s not how we do things
Down here in the South.
You should really do your research
Before simply following orders.
–Jeremy Bursey
Note: This is part of series I’ve been working on in spurts since 2000, called “My First Mullet,” a collection of poetry (and other writing styles) about man’s struggle with trends, popularity, bad decisions, and bad hair. The majority of these works were written this year.
I’m aiming to have these assembled into a printed collection sometime in November. More information on that in future blogs.
Wrote a new poem today. This one is the 9th installment of my infamous “My First Mullet” series (the other eight are not yet on WordPress). This follows the conclusion to the epic struggle between man and mullet and serves as the first of four postscripts to that tale. This one in particular summarizes the conflict that a man has with his most awful of haircuts.
Note: It’s supposed to be ridiculous.
My First Mullet – The Bonus Mullet
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing, I thought.
It’s not like it was a disease I’d caught.
Perhaps fine fashion is what I’d sought:
My endeavors, clearly, were all for naught.
My first mullet, a mistake, to be certain.
Wearing my hair like a nape-neck curtain,
Cause for the cursin’ I’d been blurtin’,
No dignity, no composure, just shame I was spurtin’.
Living with it longer than sophistication allowed,
May as well’ve made me hopelessly disavowed,
From any sense that one could be wowed,
By the devoid brilliance of the trailer crowd.
I must’ve been duped by a crafty lie,
Perhaps on the whims of a saboteur or spy,
Employed by the ranks of the fashionably spry,
Eager to watch a man’s dreams die.
I could no longer stand the sight of my blindness,
My complete ignorance to fashionable kindness.
I should’ve considered my stylist’s guidance,
Rather than stare at him blankly and mindless.
He told me my mullet would cause me trouble,
Said I’d be better off with baldness or stubble.
Perhaps I was just living in a fashion bubble.
My stupidity sure left me with emotional rubble.
I was willing to give it a fair chance,
As all things deserve their time to dance,
But mullets eschew the great expanse
Of wisdom employed; that is my stance.
The results, I thought, were expectedly disappointing.
A mullet, for shame, for my heart, was disjointing.
A prayer I would need, or a stylist’s anointing,
To end the humiliation, the laughing, the pointing.
In truth, I’d had enough of that insufferable blight,
Hair so bad that I’d go out only at night.
My sense of style had not been right:
A provocative mess I had to fight.
I told my stylist to cut it or pay;
I would not suffer indignity today.
He brought out the clippers without delay,
And shaved that dastardly thing away.
Now I wonder if I’d done the wrong thing,
Since no haircut is truly that disgusting.
But, I digress, with much understanding,
That to some atrocities I should not cling.
Maybe I’d feel bad about my heartless trimming,
Over a disturbance in which I’d been wading or swimming,
Where my anger or dread had been brimming,
And hope for a reprieve had quickly been dimming.
But perspective is a powerful force,
As I’d once read in a wise man’s discourse.
Plenty of tragedies had been worse
Than my urgent need for a mullet divorce.
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing, I thought.
It’s not like it was a disease I’d caught.
Perhaps fine fashion is what I’d sought:
My first mullet, I’d bought, I’d fought.
My choice, my bad haircut, today is gone.
Mullet zero; me one.
Drinking Cafe Latte at 1pm 