Category Archives: Musings

Things I’ve discovered that toy with my brain.

TV Personality, Cool Words, in Print, at a Bargain, with a Surprise Twist

So, a couple of hours ago, I was walking around Barnes & Noble, as I often do, browsing for books I’d like to buy LATER. Then, before I leave, I check out the “Last Chance” bin, where books that are on the way out are given one last chance for sale at a bargain price. I skim the books, see nothing I want, then, as I’m about to leave for real, I catch a second glance glimmer of a hardcover with a silver spine, and realize that I’m looking at a book I’ve been wanting for a couple of years from a television personality I like watching on a news network that shall not be named (okay, FOX). I think, “Oh, cool,” not to be ironic to the book’s title, and pick up the book to see if I still want it. First thing I notice is that it smells a little funny, a bit like marker. Then, as I’m about to close the book, I flit to the title page where I see something I was not expecting: The author had signed the book.

This wasn’t a stamp, dear readers. The book wasn’t marked on the outside like all of Barnes & Noble’s signed books are. I don’t think they actually knew they had an autographed copy sitting on their clearance shelf, and given how fresh the marker smelled, I’d imagine it was signed in secret, and not too long ago.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

But I left the book there. I’d forgotten my 20% off coupon at home. I’m not gonna pay full price for a book, even if it’s only $5.98!

Just kidding. I bought it. (Even though I really did leave my coupon at home, dang it.) It’s a good day so far.

Of course, now I have to read it.

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Pokes and Mons: The Pros and Cons of Playing Pokemon GO

July 19, 2016

Just under two decades ago, Nintendo introduced the world to the Pocket Monsters, or Pokemon for short, in the form of a handheld adventure game where kids could go around pitting monsters against monsters in an effort to catch them, collect them, domesticate them, and then turn them into vicious fighters—kind of like underground dogfighting, but for kids.

Well, now they’re back, and this time they’ve migrated from the handheld Nintendo market to the handheld cellphone market, shedding their colors and jewels for the greatest action word ever, GO. And rather than walking around a scripted video game, hoping that your version of the game has the monster you’re trying to catch—when the alternative version is the one that actually has it—players can walk around the real world and seek out the Pokemon via GPS, in businesses, schools, bus stops, and wherever Pokemon decide to call a habitat. It sounds like my childhood exploration fantasy.

But is it worth it?  Let’s find out together.

Here are the Pros and Cons to Playing Pokemon GO.

Pros:

  • Once upon a time, video games were accused of making kids antisocial and keeping them away from sunshine. Oh how the tables have turned.
  • Playing Pokemon GO can teach you your local geography.
  • When playing Pokemon GO, you get to test your cellphone’s battery longevity and decide if you need an upgrade.
  • Playing Pokemon GO can prevent media poisoning whenever something bad happens in the world and someone undeserving takes the blame.
  • Playing Pokemon GO may just cure people of ADHD.
  • Pokemon GO can be enjoyed by any age and any culture, and is popular around the world.
  • When you play Pokemon GO, you support the evolution of the Pokemon culture and ensure the property sticks around another 20 years.

Cons:

  • Kids may more likely get sunburned if they hunt Pokemon too long, and they’ll undoubtedly start talking to strangers, including the ones with blue vans and candy.
  • Even though you might discover new and exciting places, you’ll never know it because you’ll still be looking at your cellphone.
  • If your cellphone battery runs out while you’re hunting Pokemon and your search for Charmander has led you to find yourself walking through a fiery downtown riot, you won’t have any means to call for help.
  • Playing Pokemon GO may inadvertently numb the populace from knowing what’s happening to the world around them, and history will eventually repeat itself, and stupider games may become the result.
  • Pokemon GO may cure people of ADHD by shifting focus from something dangerous (like oncoming traffic) to something meaningless (like catching Pokemon).
  • Any age and any culture are still populated by legions of careless idiots who don’t watch where they’re going.
  • If you play Pokemon for the next 20 years, there’s a good chance you’ll lose track of reality, and you’ll wake up one day, probably after catching the final Pokemon (by then there will be 1000 of them), wondering where your life went off track, and you’ll numb your pain by dusting off your old Gameboy and returning to the Pokemon game that started it all, and you’ll die sad and alone. But at least you caught them all!

Probably a lot more cons than pros, come to think of it, but seven’s plenty for this list. Hopefully that’ll give you a better idea whether playing Pokemon GO is smart for you.

If you’re a Pokemon GO player (I’m not), tell us your pros and cons in the comments below. Do you agree with this list? Did I forget anything important? I suppose it would make sense if I’ve forgotten something important. It’s the only thing about Pokemon GO that does make sense.

Bonus Pro:

If you play Pokemon GO, you can be like Morgan Freeman.

Bonus Con:

Playing Pokemon GO may teach you to become like someone you aren’t.

If you like my joke pros and cons lists, check out these other subjects that got the ringer:

The Pros and Cons of Riding a Hoverboard

The Pros and Cons of Using a Lightsaber

The Pros and Cons of Valentine’s Day

E-book Innovations

Earlier today, I was skimming Digital Book World for some writing news and happened across an article about Amazon’s lack of innovation toward e-books. This relatively short article, “Amazon, Ebooks, and the Lack of Innovation” by Jason Illian, discusses how Amazon is known for innovations in technology, but chooses not to innovate in reading technology. It’s an insightful, and somewhat discouraging thought about the state of reading and the attitude that the major distributors of e-readers and e-books take on it. It’s definitely worth the read, as are the comments that appear from readers at the end of the article.

And it got me thinking about the topic of e-book innovation, not just on why they choose not to innovate, but also on how they could innovate if they were to choose to, as the article and certain articles linked to in the comments section, particularly one by Chris Meadows in his article “Whoever feels like innovating e-books, please raise your hand!” posted at TeleRead, address the question of how e-books can leap forward without becoming “spammy” with advertisements or cluttered with distracting materials that no reader actually wants.

Coming up with ideas can certainly be tricky, but the bigger problem, according to these articles, is that the e-reader manufacturers don’t want to innovate. They don’t want to because they don’t need to. If they’re not losing the market to paperbacks, then they are keeping the market on the backs of those who aren’t looking for innovative leaps in e-reading.

If the people are complacent, then so will be their providers of technology. I mean, why should they innovate if no one is asking for it?

To be perfectly honest, I’m okay with the lack of innovation in e-reading. I’m one of the massive many who prefers paper to electronic form. In fact, the only reason I’ve spent the last year writing for the e-book format is because I can, and because I can do it for basically free. Reading it is a different matter. I don’t have an e-reader of my own. Nor do I have a trendy phone that can read my books to me or for me. I’m still a technically backwards guy who does his reading in print or on a computer screen, thanks to Adobe Digital Editions.

But, I’m still an imaginative reader who has ideas on what could get me to start reading in electronic form more so than on paper (not that I would ever give up reading paperbacks entirely) if anyone were to take a chance on moving things forward. I’m one of the reasons why innovation in electronic reading should be considered more by those technical geniuses who know how to implement it. I’m one of the reasons why the e-reader market even has a slump.

What Readers Want

I’m going to make an educated assumption now. E-readers have lost a chunk of their audience to Androids and other well-adapted cellphones because, in many cases, these devices are better, clearer, and, let’s be honest, linked to something they already have. Some of these phones have the ability to “flip” pages according to where the user draws his or her finger, which I think is pretty cool. The first time I saw Shell Out on a friend’s phone and manually turned those pages, I was awestruck. I was turning pages of my short story, on a phone! For these people, why would they even need an e-reader, especially one that’s ugly, clunky, or archaic? Better question: Why would they pay for a dedicated e-reader when they can just press a button on their phone? If my phone did all that, I wouldn’t bother buying an Amazon Kindle. Well, not likely. Exclusivity poses its own issues, but I’m not going to focus on that here.

Now, I’m not usually so easily impressed by the latest innovations unless it makes something I like doing a lot easier. I had a similar reaction the first time I saw the computer program Sprout in action. But, when this new technology I generally don’t see in action is doing something special to something I’m responsible for (in this case, taking my favorite short story from my personal collection and making it electronically interactive in a physical world—use your imagination if you’re lost by that comment), then I’m colored impressed. I’ve yet to feel that way about the average e-reader. Maybe I thought the Kindle was cool the first time I saw one in action many years ago. But I’m more impressed with phones these days.

I agree with those who think e-readers, or e-books for that matter, lack innovation. But the accusations don’t end with this simple opinion. The argument they make is that readers aren’t crying for innovation. They further argue that readers want to be left alone with their books and don’t want the advertising blitz, or fancy videos or sounds to ruin their personal experience that a likely strain of e-book “innovation” may create. Honestly, I agree with these arguments. When I read a book, I want to be left alone, in a quiet place, with my thoughts on the story or the information I’m reading, not the series sales pitch or the related graphics that might try selling me the phone that the writer is writing about. Not really.

But, I think that part of the reason I don’t want these things is because I haven’t been given a world where I have these things.

Now, I don’t advocate bastardizing the reading experience with gimmicks, ads, or other intrusive things. But I do think the way to leap e-readers, e-books, and book reading in general forward is to innovate how reading is handled. And to do that, it’s important to understand two things:

  1. Readers don’t know what they want until you give it to them. Until Gutenberg developed the printing press, none of us knew we wanted our books in print. Until trade paperbacks and mass market paperbacks became a thing, none of us knew that getting the same story at a cheaper price was possible, or that getting that same story in slightly lower quality was somehow acceptable. We learned our ability to adapt after we were given the chance to experience it. I think the same goes for the first generation of e-readers. The idea driving the development of the Amazon Kindle was awesome, until people figured out it didn’t have the same personal touch as a physical book, yet plenty of readers stuck around to give it a fair chance. Eventually, it “caught fire.” Maintaining that fire is a different story, but the important thing to consider here is that, once upon a time, this technology was introduced and a particular population embraced it.
  1. Readers are innately personal. But they are also visionaries, researchers, explorers, and dreamers. They want the feeling that sitting on a beach during the summer with a good paperback brings, and they want to experience that feeling quietly, unobtrusively, and personally. But, they’re not going to bring their dictionaries with them. And they’re not going to bring with them the memory of what happened 100 pages ago to a minor character who did something terrible to the protagonist, or the recollection that the thing that happened was in fact 100 pages ago. They’re going into the reading wilderness the same way they have since the dawn of books. At some point, readers may want the extra help, the same way that farmers and hunters figured out that the world would someday need a Chick fil A or Applebee’s.

What readers want is the experience they understand. A point made in the article by Chris Meadows (which he links to in the comments posted under the main article by Jason Illian) is that one way to keep the e-reading experience different is to use scrollbars instead of page-flipping. I agree, that would be different. But, it’s not really what I want as a reader. I may be okay with them in web articles, but I hate scrollbars in fiction, so utilizing scrollbars as a selling point, for example, is not a good way to get me interested in e-readers. Of course, I’m one man. Maybe there are readers out there who do want scrollbars. So, for them, they should have one. For them, they should be allowed to check the preference box that says “scrollbars enabled,” where I may want to check the preference box that says “page-turning enabled.” The default, of course, would be a page shuffle. You get the idea.

Yes, custom options would be a great step toward innovating e-books and e-readers. Videogames use options like these all the time in their setup menus. Electronic reading devices would benefit from the same. And maybe there are some out there that are already programmed for that. I don’t know. As I said before, I read my electronic texts on my computer. Point is, it’s something.

But that’s a small leap forward. Having that scrollbar or page-turning application is great for single-screen devices. The problem with that is that it only enables the limitation that the average reader has with the average e-reader. It’s a single screen. Running your finger across the screen doesn’t provide the personal connection that grabbing a sheet of paper and flipping it has. It cannot simulate the joy of clumping entire groups of pages together and flipping them over to span massive chunks of story to more quickly access earlier or later parts of the book to gain insights on the details we have since forgotten. In short, it makes us feel robotic.

Giving Readers What They Want

To counterbalance that robotic feeling, we need an e-reader that makes us feel human again. So, here are my suggestions for making things more personal while jumping e-reader technology forward, and perhaps getting those who treat e-readers like pariahs more on board with the idea of reading things on a “screen.”

  1. Make a “real” e-book. Don’t give us a Gameboy from 1989 and change its programming to read books instead of controlling a plumber through Goomba-infested lands.

Perhaps this needs explanation. The average e-reader is a simple handheld device with an interactive screen. It’s cheap and functional, but not the least bit personal. A true e-book would serve as the electronic equivalent to a real book. And the way to do that is to give readers a real book. Let me clarify: a real book with programmable pages.

Wait, what?!

Okay, yes, if you’re visualizing what I’m visualizing, then you’re already counting the cost of producing such a thing. It would be expensive to buy, and maybe expensive to make. But, every new thing is expensive at first. Once upon a time, that bulky television you bought for ten bucks at the Goodwill would’ve cost you hundreds of dollars at your local retailer. The money you spent on that black and white in the 1950s would probably get you a nice 60” UHD flat screen today. Electronics go down in price eventually. Everyone knows that. In the early 1960s a pocket calculator would cost you over $2000. Kids get them in their Christmas stockings as a bonus item today, so don’t fret about cost.

But, while we wait for that beautiful day when a thousand-dollar e-reader drops down to the price of a Kindle or lower, we can have those publishers who without conscience raise the prices of e-books to the level of their paperback counterparts use the extra money they save on manufacturing to help supplement the production costs that go into the e-reader, and then take a small percentage of every e-reader sale. This would give it sustainable marketability, and serve to drive the price down for everyone eventually. I think. Sounds right. They won’t do it, of course, but it sounds right.

But back to the ideas, a true e-reader should be made up of an electronic cover (matte or glossy), with fiber optic pages that you can customize through add-ons. Each reader would come with a default 350 pages (as most novels clock in at just over 300) and adapters that would allow a reader to add a stackable group of 25 pages each (with limits depending on the digital spine, which should probably be flexible to allow for the adapters, or maybe the adapters add more spine—probably that) to accommodate long books, longer books, epic fantasies, and Stephen King books. Each add-on would cost the reader a little, but once they have it, they’re covered for the life of the true e-book (a brand name which I will henceforth use to describe this magical form of innovative e-reading technology).

Which brings us to the beauty of this system. Each page of the electronic book is hardwired to allocate the digital pages as defined in the .epub file (we’ll say .epub4, as that’s the next generation of .epub if I’m not mistaken). So, page one of the .epub will “print” only on the first electronic page of the true e-book. Well, no, it’ll print on the front of the first page. Obviously, page two will appear on the back side. Can you visualize that?

So, already we’re beginning to feel more like a real book. Add digital loading to the front cover, back cover, and spine, and you have yourself a truly customizable electronic reading device that gives the reader the feeling of reading a real book. That, of course, is because the reader is reading a real book. Just one that can change the content of its pages with a simple upload of a new .epub file.

This means that the true e-book would need a docking bay in which to change the programming. It could work the same way that modern e-readers use menus and online features and “bookstores” in which to shop for new titles. This docking bay would be the impersonal device that modern readers are used to today, the thing that serves as both storefront and book. Or, it could be their computers, as the one element the true e-book will have that a real paperback won’t is a USB port. I mean, even Neo in The Matrix had that input jack on his neck. We can’t escape computer technology in favor of reality entirely. But we can get really, really close.

Now, this enhances the visual appeal of e-books, but not the sensory appeal. To do that, all true e-books should come with a cartridge that emits that “new book smell.” The fiber optic pages, or “paper screens,” should also be meticulously crafted to feel like real pages and real matte or glossy covers. My computer screen feels almost exactly like a matte cover, so I know it’s possible. Shouldn’t be difficult to duplicate. I also think that pages should have Instagram style filters that make electronic pages look like real cream or white pages, with digital noise in the fonts to simulate ink. Or, you know, options for other styles. Make the look of the pages customizable. The modern e-reader already makes it possible to adjust for size and font. The true e-book can do the same, but it should recognize the defaults as set by the author or publisher. This assumes that the author or publisher cares enough about the title to put in these extra options. Unfortunately, a new kind of e-reader won’t necessarily create a new kind of publisher.

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Example of what a “true” e-book could look like. Basically like a real book, but electronic.
  1. Give readers features they want that real physical books can’t offer.

The modern e-reader already provides digital bookmarks, dictionary support, and highlighting options. I think it also provides keyword search. Certainly, the true e-reader would provide all of these things (though bookmarking won’t be as necessary, as the pages are now physical, but if the book automatically opens to the digital bookmark when you tap the bookmark sensor, then that would be cool).

But the true e-book would also provide advanced indexing options that would allow you to quick-find characters, events, or other details that might otherwise take away precious minutes from your narrative flow when searching for previous reminders about who these people are or what happened during these events. For example, if you double-tap on the name of the minor character that the protagonist is talking about, it can bring up a small menu with options, including one that highlights any page where that character’s name appears, and then highlight in a different color the name itself so that every instance he’s mentioned can be found in seconds. And for those who still want their foot in The Matrix while reading, other options can include reloading the current page with supplemental information, including other books or volumes the character may have appeared in (and where in the context of those books), basic character descriptions, and whatever else the author or publisher may preload into the supplements file, including an option to load up another book in the series (provided the reader owns a copy). And, if a book doesn’t come with that information, then the selection in that particular menu is disabled. It’s possible that the modern e-reader does these things already, or will soon enough, but the true e-book would most definitely have to do these things to stay on par with, if not ahead of the game.

And, I could go on, but I think it’s pretty clear: Digital books don’t have to be impersonal. And we, as readers, don’t have to accept their impersonal touch. I don’t love the idea of replacing paperbacks, and, as long as we have bookshelves and a desire to fill them, I don’t think we’ll ever get rid of them completely. Even in the age of Netflix and Hulu, we still have DVD and Blu-ray discs bought and sold daily. Even with iTunes dominating the music market, stores are still selling CDs (kinda). The demand for these things may not be what they were before digital markets invaded their turfs, but some of it still exists, and there are still people out there who want to stick to the classics. But regardless of how many want to innovate or how many want to keep to the systems they’re used to, the corporations involved in the production and distribution of these materials need to consider their entire customer base, not just the rich and the trendsetting, and create the kind of experiences that anyone could want, modern and retro alike. It starts by understanding human psychology.

To adapt the famous line from Field of Dreams, “If you [make] it, they will [use it].” Make the true e-book and drive its price down to something affordable, and I’d give it a fair chance. Heck, I might even like it enough to modify my current library of hardcovers and paperbacks. I may be technologically backwards, but I still have movies I like on VHS, DVD, and Blu-ray, and I suspect I’ll get them again on 4K UHD someday. I’m not against a good leap forward. Perhaps those in charge of e-reader design shouldn’t be either.

For Those Who Dream

May 4, 2016:

A couple of days ago, I was playing catch-up on my Publishers Lunch newsletter, when I read down to the footer in the February 29, 2016 letter and found a link to this interesting article about how The Martian by Andy Weir (the book about an astronaut left stranded on Mars that the movie is based on) began its life. If you’re a dreamer like I am, and you’re also a creative type, then you’ll find this is an article worth reading.

http://www.npr.org/2016/02/27/468402296/-the-martian-started-as-a-self-published-book

It’s really quite amazing how success stories happen. I think the takeaway, of course, is that luck (or God’s will) does have a huge part in the success of anything. Gaining success the way The Martian has is an extremely rare thing. But it happens.

The bigger takeaway is that you should really write (or create) for yourself first. If it’s not that good, it’s still good for you. If it’s amazing, it could eventually become something with Matt Damon in it. Either way, we’re all winners. Everyone except those who don’t get off their butts and try, of course.

Also, if there’s a third takeaway, it’s that self-publishing is not as stigmatic as the past may lead us to believe. If you can dream it, you can live it. Possibly!

The Pros and Cons of Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2016:

Well, it’s another commercially-inspired holiday today, and with it will come a massive economic boost for restaurants, movie theaters, flower shops, candy shops, jewelry stores, Walmart, and, of course, Hallmark. Marriage proposals, baby conceptions, and fights among the unequally paired will be prevalent today, but should you be part of the traditional festivities?

If you’re not sure whether or not Valentine’s Day is right for you, let me break it down to you through another Pros and Cons list so that you might be better informed of your decision:

Pros:

  • At some point, the person you choose to celebrate with will probably tell you he/she loves you. This is especially beneficial if you love that person back.
  • You get to prove your hard-earned love by buying something expensive for the person of your affection and proving, once and for all, that money can buy appreciation.
  • Depending on the couple: sex. (This should probably be at the top of the list.)
  • You get to see what your partner looks like inebriated after several glasses of wine and maybe take pictures for whenever blackmail may be necessary (for those times when the relationship is not as healthy as Valentine’s Day makes it seem), or just laugh because they’re even funnier that way.
  • You might gain a new puppy.
  • If you ever wanted to get married, this is a good day for popping or receiving the question.
  • You might gain a diamond ring.
  • You can post all of your Valentine’s Day photos on Facebook and Instagram on February 15th for all of your friends to see and compare and get jealous over.
  • You can get forgiveness for the devotion you gave to the Super Bowl the weekend before.

Cons:

  • If your partner says “I love you” while intoxicated, he or she may not remember it later, and then deny ever saying it, leading to some awkward conclusions. Also, if your partner is “saving up for Valentine’s Day,” then this might be the only time you hear it all year.
  • Valentine’s Day gifts are patently expensive and can break your bank if you don’t budget.
  • Babies are also expensive–really, really expensive. Hope that night was really fun because the fun’s over, pal. Time to get responsible.
  • You get to prove how lousy a partner you are (or have) by your Valentine’s Day decisions. No pressure, though. Not applicable if you’re actually good for the person you’re with.
  • That puppy will grow up into a dog that you have to take care of for fifteen years, and then you’ll cry your heart out when you have to bury it, even more than when you cried over the person who gave it to you running off with someone else fourteen years earlier.
  • Marriage is hard. And you’ll have to think of another way to spend Valentine’s Day next year, since you’ve already used up the proposal card. Hopefully you’re creative.
  • People are treated like slaves and threatened with death daily in order to fetch those diamonds you wanted so badly for Valentine’s Day.
  • You’ll see everyone else’s Valentine’s Day photos and get jealous.
  • As much as you want to see Deadpool (or some other action film) tonight, you’re probably not going to.

So, I hope this list helps you figure out whether Valentine’s Day is right for you. And remember, February 14th is just another day on the calendar. If you love somebody, it’s a good idea to show it year round, and it’s also a good idea to learn what love actually is. If you think it’s just about how you feel, then there’s a good chance you’ll be celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone new every few years. And good luck if that’s you! If you’re the type who thinks love is shown and based on how you treat your partner, then you might be in for a more successful run, and your “pros” will likely be more plentiful (and more serious than the list I gave you).

The Pros and Cons of Using a Lightsaber

December 18, 2015

So, now that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been officially released, and now that I have spent my entire day editing my gargantuan epic novel (part one!) for the e-book format—which means I haven’t seen the movie yet—it’s time to unleash my final blog dedicated to Star Wars culture:

Yes, it’s a Pros/Cons list!

We all know what a lightsaber is, right? It’s that flashlight-looking handheld device that produces a colorful stick of death when pressed and makes a whoosh sound when swung. You’ve seen it. It’s a giant ice pop that doesn’t melt in your mouth—it melts your mouth! Little boys between the ages of 6 and 79 want one. It’ll probably be the number one requested Christmas gift of the year.

But should you get one for that man in your life? If you are a man, should you get one for yourself?

Here are the pros and cons of using a lightsaber.

Pros:

  • It looks cool when you wield it.
  • It makes that really awesome whoosh sound pretty much always, which girls love.
  • You can use it to power dead electronics in a pinch.
  • Your friends will envy you for having it.
  • Your enemies will be afraid of you when they see it.
  • Your cat will chase it when you fling it around for a cheap laugh.
  • You can use it to create pathways anywhere you want.
  • Lightsabers make mock sword-fighting super flashy.
  • Knowing how to use one makes getting into a Star Wars movie easier.

Cons:

  • It doesn’t look as cool if you cut your arm off.
  • It’s not a popsicle, so it can’t be eaten.
  • It’s not a flashlight, either, and can make things awkward when turned on in tight quarters during a power outage.
  • Your mom will ground you if she catches you using it.
  • Once grounded, your dad will confiscate it and use it for himself.
  • Your cat might blow up if she catches it.
  • Using it in most public places might get you arrested, especially if you keep it concealed.
  • If you aren’t that good at sword-fighting, then a lightsaber will really make that clear.
  • Most of the lightsabers in the Star Wars movies are effects-driven and fake, so bringing in your real one could cause some issues.

So, that concludes Star Wars week at Drinking Café Latte at 1pm.

Stay tuned for news about my upcoming e-book surprise. (My opening statement gives a clue about what’s coming soon.)

 

How to Pet a Wookie

December 17, 2015

Wookie: An eight-foot-tall hairy man-beast that walks, grunts, and navigates spaceships like a normal human being. Can often be seen traveling with rogues. Best known for being a part of the Star Wars universe.

So, you’ve got your eyes on a wookie that you want to pet? I’ll give you some good tips on how to do this, but I must also encourage you to question whether this is a good idea.

Step 1: Find your wookie. It’s difficult to pet a wookie if you can’t find it.

Step 2: Take caution when approaching a wookie. Wookies are temperamental creatures that can tear off your limbs if you disrespect them.

Step 3: Ask the wookie if you can pet him/her/it. They are sentient creatures; they will let you know if you ask.

Step 3a: Wookies don’t actually speak, they grunt. Listen closely to make sure you’re clear on their answer.

Step 4: If the wookie says yes, then go ahead and pet him/her/it. If the answer says no, then refrain from petting this wookie and find yourself another wookie.

Warning: Remember, petting a wookie when he/she/it says no is very dangerous. Wookies can rip arms, legs, and other body parts off your body without much trouble. They are as powerful as bears. It is very difficult to pet anything, much less a wookie, if you’re missing your hands. Don’t let a wookie rip off your hands. Be respectful of his/her/its wishes. If the wookie says no, don’t pet its furry hide.

Notes: Because wookies don’t speak, they grunt, it’s helpful to know the difference between their yesses and nos.

Yes: A “yes” in the wookie language is any grunt that lasts for 2 exact seconds.

No: A “no” in the wookie language is any grunt that lasts for 1.98 seconds.

Keep this in mind before you ask the wookie if you can pet him/her/it. It might not only allow you to fulfill your dream of petting a wookie, but it could also save your life.

Step 5: In the event that you do get to pet a wookie, please go see your licensed therapist for a checkup. Wookies are imaginary creatures that exist only in movies and costume shops.

 

How to Train Your Droid

December 16, 2015

So, in honor of the world getting a new Star Wars movie in a few days (and hopefully it’ll be a good one), I wanted to discuss the idea of training our droids to do our bidding.

And to be clear, I’m not talking about this type of droid:

cellphone clipart (small droid)

No, as much as that would be cool (and maybe relevant? I don’t know), that is neither the focus of this blog, nor the focus of my wheelhouse. I’m sure there are people out there who can train their phone droids to do what they want, like teaching them to call people and to connect to the Internet and crazy things like that. If that’s what you’re looking for, check YouTube. There’s probably a video about it. No, I wanted to talk about this kind of droid:

droid joke 2

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering, “How in the world could I get that thing to do my bidding?” Well, it’s simpler than you might think. It all comes down to psychology. You have to tell your droid what you want. Until you acknowledge the fact that droids can’t read minds, you won’t actually pass this step. You must use the straightforward tenants of psychology to get your droid doing the things you want. But more importantly, it comes down to patience.

Droids are basically machines. Machines can be told what to do. Think of them like parrots: You tell them the same thing over and over and over again, and eventually they automate, freely speaking whatever offensive thing you told them to say, and no one can stop them because they’ve been “programmed” to say that awful thing.

That’s how droids learn, too. Get them into a small room, lower all the lights, throw a blanket over them if you have to. Then lock-on to their eyes. Smile; droids learn faster when you smile. Then slowly and calmly tell them what you want them to do. You may find resistance at first. But keep telling them what you want from them. Eventually they’ll do what you ask just to shut you up.

You train them basically the same way you train your marital partner. Sooner or later, you’ll program that new action into their susceptibly robotic little minds and they’ll do it without you having to ask them in the future.

So, there you go.

 

How to Build a Droid

December 15, 2015

So, with Star Wars: The Force Awakens coming to theaters this week, I think it’s about time we spend a week talking about it. And what better way to kick it off than to write a fake review, which I did last night and you should totally read it if you want to laugh, cringe, cry, or pull your hair out by the roots because it’s that fun. But I digress. Today I want to talk about droids.

No, not the cellphone that plays games and hacks your Facebook while you’re asleep. The original droids, the ones found in the Star Wars universe. You know, “These are not the droids you are looking for,” yet, they totally are the ones you’re looking for (unless you’re looking for the dang cellphone droid, in which case, these are not the droids you are looking for).

In honor of good people in Hollywood deciding it’s time to bring back Han Solo and friends, I want to talk about building a droid. You all remember how Anakin Skywalker built C3PO in Episode I and abandoned him, right? Well, we are going to do the same!

First, you need to find the right materials. If you get some screws, a screwdriver, a bunch of metal pipes, some wires, a couple of flashlights, batteries, sheet metal, paper, chewing gum, uranium, some bobby pins, a second screwdriver, a bottle of scotch, magnets, an old calculator, and something that looks like a USB jack, even if it’s actually a gem clip, then you should have most of everything you need.

Second, you want to put it all together. How? Well, first you bend the sheet metal into a trapezoidal shape, and then bend it again. Then you put your flashlights in the middle—or wherever you left a hole big enough to hold them. Then you run some wires down the back of the flashlight through however many metal pipes you found. Then you want to join the pipes and sheet metal together with some magnets and secure them with the chewing gum.

Now’s a good time to down a fifth of scotch.

Next you fix the “USB jack” to the sheet metal with your second screwdriver. Or you can use your first. Doesn’t matter. Then you want to open the back of the calculator and store its guts in the center of the sheet metal and secure it with the bobby pin. Stick a battery in it, throw out any uranium you didn’t use, and viola! You have your droid:

droid joke 2

Tomorrow we’ll talk about getting it to work. You’ll probably need more scotch for that.

Review: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

December 14, 2015

Disclaimer: I am posting this review four days before the movie comes out. So, I have not seen it. This is fake. It’s for the purpose of parody. Please do not take this review seriously. If you’re looking for a real review, check back in four days…on someone else’s blog. This one will likely spoil moments that aren’t actually in the movie. If this offends you, then you’re probably camping out in line as we speak, reading this through your Stormtrooper helmet as you eat marshmallows in your tent.

 Movie: Star Wars 7

Release Date: Friday

Runtime: I don’t know

Review: Okay, so there’s a lot of hype going into George Lucas’s abandoned child, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and let me tell you, as a fanboy, it is so worth it. It’s got stars, and it’s got wars, and it’s got lots of fighting in space, and it’s just awesome. J.J. Abrams really got this one right. It’s got Spock fighting Captain Kirk, and Yoda drinking a soda even though he’s a ghost (spoiler alert!), and Chewbacca, let’s just say, is so hairy. It’s amazing how much detail they put into these characters.

I know what you’re thinking. What about the prequels? No, they aren’t awesome. Episode III is kinda okay. But it doesn’t have enough Jar Jar. You really can’t have too much Jar Jar. Everyone who thinks Jar Jar ruins the movie ruins movies. If I can’t have my Jar Jar, then I don’t want my Star Wars.

The Force Awakens does not have Jar Jar, and it’s better for it. What it has instead is a talking Monkey named Hans. Spoiler Alert! The monkey is played by none other than Harrison Ford. They call him Hans YOLO! and he has a sweet ride. It goes so fast. In one scene, he beats Vin Diesel and the Rock to the finish line. It’s amazing. Really, you should see this movie.

Now, I can’t talk about this movie without discussing everyone’s acting abilities, but I must say, I see an Oscar in R2D2’s future. He’s really got the whole droid thing down. Come on, Academy. Stop ignoring trash cans on roller skates! It’s bad enough you’ve ignored Jim Carrey for The Truman Show and Man on the Moon. Don’t snub the R2!

So, what’s my final verdict? Star Wars: The Force Awakens is awesome! How do I know? Because I’ve seen the trailers for it, twice! Five stars (and three wars)!

The new Star Wars opens this Friday. But you already knew that because you’re yelling at me for writing this crap.

B+