Category Archives: List or Rank

The Pros and Cons of the Nintendo Switch

March 7, 2017

I’ve been a fan of Nintendo since I was a kid, but I’ve admittedly fallen off of the Nintendo wagon after the Gamecube started to wane in value. I wanted a Wii, but it was impossible to get for the first three years of its shelf life without camping overnight at the nearest box store, which I would never do, and by the time I could get one by simply walking into the store and saying, “Hey, gimme a Wii,” I was no longer making enough money to actually afford one. So, I never got on the Wii train. When Wii U came around, I had already given up. It didn’t look that appealing to me, to be honest, certainly not worth the money they were asking for, and I had gotten over the console years of my life anyway. I’d already missed out on the Wii, so I may as well miss out on the Wii U, too.

With the handhelds, it’s the same story, but worse. In short, I never wanted a Nintendo handheld. I was all for playing other people’s Gameboys and Gameboy Advances, but I didn’t want to invest in my own, and I basically missed the DS and 3DS years as a result. A Nintendo fan, yes? But a diehard Nintendo fan? I guess the evidence is stacked against me here.

But now we have the Nintendo Switch released (as of last Friday), and suddenly I’m excited for Nintendo all over again. It’s both console, which I’ve missed during the last two generations, and handheld, which I’ve missed since the Game & Watch days (I did have a few of those when I was a kid), and the melding of the two forms is simply genius. Combined with the new split motion control remote, which they’re calling a “joycon,” and its advanced motion technology that can simulate force and resistance as much as record motion, and I daresay Nintendo has put forth the one system that can make a grown man become a kid again.

I still don’t have money to spare, much like it was when I was a kid, but if you have money and you’re looking to blow it on something you don’t need, should you spend it on a Nintendo Switch? Here are the pros and cons of getting yours today.

Pros:

  • The Nintendo Switch launches with a new open world Zelda game. This is all the pro you need.
  • The Nintendo Switch also launches with a new Bomberman game. Wanna party hard? This game’s the bomb (I’m assuming).
  • The system is small and the handheld is even smaller. No penis envy with this machine!
  • The joycons come in dual gray, or blue and red. They don’t know what they want to be. Perfect symbol for our confused modern culture! We call this relevance. The Nintendo Switch is relevant.
  • The joycons are so small, they fit in the palm of your hand. See pro #3.
  • You can weight train with the heavy resistant joycons. Size doesn’t matter.
  • Mario is back in his cool new go-kart, and he’s ready for some road rage.
  • You can play against your friends anywhere, thanks to the portability of the Switch.
  • The Switch has a cool “click” sound that can jumpstart any DJs library.

Cons:

  • As soon as you walk away from the controller, your little brother will beat the Zelda dungeon for you, and then hide the controller when you come back, laughing at your stupidity.
  • Bomberman is best played with four or more people, which might be depressing if you realize you don’t know anyone other than yourself. At least there’s online play! This lets you play with complete strangers you will never meet in real life. So, this isn’t a con; it’s a joy-con!
  • If you still feel small around this machine, well…
  • Getting the blue and red controllers will just make your choices in life even harder to make, as you still gotta pick one to use.
  • The joycons are so small that they can really go flying if you’re getting vigorous with them and lose your grip. Just because they’re small doesn’t mean they’ll bounce off a wall.
  • The joycons are best used in a cow-milking simulator. Really?
  • Mario Kart’s new addition will remind you that Nintendo is only good for Nintendo characters, and you’ll soon lament spending $300 on the machine, plus accessories and your six or seven games throughout the lifetime of the machine. Just like it was with the last few Nintendo systems you owned. Oh, but these games are so much fun. Joy-con!
  • Thanks to the portability of the Switch, you can play it anywhere, with anyone: at work, at school, on the subway. Likewise, you can have it easily stolen from you anywhere, by anyone: at work, at school, on the subway.
  • There’s nothing bad about that “click.” Just watch the videos on YouTube. That thing is catchy.

So, there you have it. If you think the Nintendo Switch is the best $300+ that you’ll spend in 2017, then go get yours today. I think the stores are stocking it. It’s not like Black Friday is coming anytime soon. Does anyone even know it’s out now? Eh, you could probably get it now.

In all seriousness, I’d like to get this one, too. Mario goes to New York in his next game, Super Mario Odyssey. How cool is that? Pro!

Missed my other Pros and Cons lists? I’ve put together a handy table of contents to keep you well-oriented. Check them out.

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Pokes and Mons: The Pros and Cons of Playing Pokemon GO

July 19, 2016

Just under two decades ago, Nintendo introduced the world to the Pocket Monsters, or Pokemon for short, in the form of a handheld adventure game where kids could go around pitting monsters against monsters in an effort to catch them, collect them, domesticate them, and then turn them into vicious fighters—kind of like underground dogfighting, but for kids.

Well, now they’re back, and this time they’ve migrated from the handheld Nintendo market to the handheld cellphone market, shedding their colors and jewels for the greatest action word ever, GO. And rather than walking around a scripted video game, hoping that your version of the game has the monster you’re trying to catch—when the alternative version is the one that actually has it—players can walk around the real world and seek out the Pokemon via GPS, in businesses, schools, bus stops, and wherever Pokemon decide to call a habitat. It sounds like my childhood exploration fantasy.

But is it worth it?  Let’s find out together.

Here are the Pros and Cons to Playing Pokemon GO.

Pros:

  • Once upon a time, video games were accused of making kids antisocial and keeping them away from sunshine. Oh how the tables have turned.
  • Playing Pokemon GO can teach you your local geography.
  • When playing Pokemon GO, you get to test your cellphone’s battery longevity and decide if you need an upgrade.
  • Playing Pokemon GO can prevent media poisoning whenever something bad happens in the world and someone undeserving takes the blame.
  • Playing Pokemon GO may just cure people of ADHD.
  • Pokemon GO can be enjoyed by any age and any culture, and is popular around the world.
  • When you play Pokemon GO, you support the evolution of the Pokemon culture and ensure the property sticks around another 20 years.

Cons:

  • Kids may more likely get sunburned if they hunt Pokemon too long, and they’ll undoubtedly start talking to strangers, including the ones with blue vans and candy.
  • Even though you might discover new and exciting places, you’ll never know it because you’ll still be looking at your cellphone.
  • If your cellphone battery runs out while you’re hunting Pokemon and your search for Charmander has led you to find yourself walking through a fiery downtown riot, you won’t have any means to call for help.
  • Playing Pokemon GO may inadvertently numb the populace from knowing what’s happening to the world around them, and history will eventually repeat itself, and stupider games may become the result.
  • Pokemon GO may cure people of ADHD by shifting focus from something dangerous (like oncoming traffic) to something meaningless (like catching Pokemon).
  • Any age and any culture are still populated by legions of careless idiots who don’t watch where they’re going.
  • If you play Pokemon for the next 20 years, there’s a good chance you’ll lose track of reality, and you’ll wake up one day, probably after catching the final Pokemon (by then there will be 1000 of them), wondering where your life went off track, and you’ll numb your pain by dusting off your old Gameboy and returning to the Pokemon game that started it all, and you’ll die sad and alone. But at least you caught them all!

Probably a lot more cons than pros, come to think of it, but seven’s plenty for this list. Hopefully that’ll give you a better idea whether playing Pokemon GO is smart for you.

If you’re a Pokemon GO player (I’m not), tell us your pros and cons in the comments below. Do you agree with this list? Did I forget anything important? I suppose it would make sense if I’ve forgotten something important. It’s the only thing about Pokemon GO that does make sense.

Bonus Pro:

If you play Pokemon GO, you can be like Morgan Freeman.

Bonus Con:

Playing Pokemon GO may teach you to become like someone you aren’t.

If you like my joke pros and cons lists, check out these other subjects that got the ringer:

The Pros and Cons of Riding a Hoverboard

The Pros and Cons of Using a Lightsaber

The Pros and Cons of Valentine’s Day

The Pros and Cons of Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2016:

Well, it’s another commercially-inspired holiday today, and with it will come a massive economic boost for restaurants, movie theaters, flower shops, candy shops, jewelry stores, Walmart, and, of course, Hallmark. Marriage proposals, baby conceptions, and fights among the unequally paired will be prevalent today, but should you be part of the traditional festivities?

If you’re not sure whether or not Valentine’s Day is right for you, let me break it down to you through another Pros and Cons list so that you might be better informed of your decision:

Pros:

  • At some point, the person you choose to celebrate with will probably tell you he/she loves you. This is especially beneficial if you love that person back.
  • You get to prove your hard-earned love by buying something expensive for the person of your affection and proving, once and for all, that money can buy appreciation.
  • Depending on the couple: sex. (This should probably be at the top of the list.)
  • You get to see what your partner looks like inebriated after several glasses of wine and maybe take pictures for whenever blackmail may be necessary (for those times when the relationship is not as healthy as Valentine’s Day makes it seem), or just laugh because they’re even funnier that way.
  • You might gain a new puppy.
  • If you ever wanted to get married, this is a good day for popping or receiving the question.
  • You might gain a diamond ring.
  • You can post all of your Valentine’s Day photos on Facebook and Instagram on February 15th for all of your friends to see and compare and get jealous over.
  • You can get forgiveness for the devotion you gave to the Super Bowl the weekend before.

Cons:

  • If your partner says “I love you” while intoxicated, he or she may not remember it later, and then deny ever saying it, leading to some awkward conclusions. Also, if your partner is “saving up for Valentine’s Day,” then this might be the only time you hear it all year.
  • Valentine’s Day gifts are patently expensive and can break your bank if you don’t budget.
  • Babies are also expensive–really, really expensive. Hope that night was really fun because the fun’s over, pal. Time to get responsible.
  • You get to prove how lousy a partner you are (or have) by your Valentine’s Day decisions. No pressure, though. Not applicable if you’re actually good for the person you’re with.
  • That puppy will grow up into a dog that you have to take care of for fifteen years, and then you’ll cry your heart out when you have to bury it, even more than when you cried over the person who gave it to you running off with someone else fourteen years earlier.
  • Marriage is hard. And you’ll have to think of another way to spend Valentine’s Day next year, since you’ve already used up the proposal card. Hopefully you’re creative.
  • People are treated like slaves and threatened with death daily in order to fetch those diamonds you wanted so badly for Valentine’s Day.
  • You’ll see everyone else’s Valentine’s Day photos and get jealous.
  • As much as you want to see Deadpool (or some other action film) tonight, you’re probably not going to.

So, I hope this list helps you figure out whether Valentine’s Day is right for you. And remember, February 14th is just another day on the calendar. If you love somebody, it’s a good idea to show it year round, and it’s also a good idea to learn what love actually is. If you think it’s just about how you feel, then there’s a good chance you’ll be celebrating Valentine’s Day with someone new every few years. And good luck if that’s you! If you’re the type who thinks love is shown and based on how you treat your partner, then you might be in for a more successful run, and your “pros” will likely be more plentiful (and more serious than the list I gave you).

The Pros and Cons of Using a Lightsaber

December 18, 2015

So, now that Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been officially released, and now that I have spent my entire day editing my gargantuan epic novel (part one!) for the e-book format—which means I haven’t seen the movie yet—it’s time to unleash my final blog dedicated to Star Wars culture:

Yes, it’s a Pros/Cons list!

We all know what a lightsaber is, right? It’s that flashlight-looking handheld device that produces a colorful stick of death when pressed and makes a whoosh sound when swung. You’ve seen it. It’s a giant ice pop that doesn’t melt in your mouth—it melts your mouth! Little boys between the ages of 6 and 79 want one. It’ll probably be the number one requested Christmas gift of the year.

But should you get one for that man in your life? If you are a man, should you get one for yourself?

Here are the pros and cons of using a lightsaber.

Pros:

  • It looks cool when you wield it.
  • It makes that really awesome whoosh sound pretty much always, which girls love.
  • You can use it to power dead electronics in a pinch.
  • Your friends will envy you for having it.
  • Your enemies will be afraid of you when they see it.
  • Your cat will chase it when you fling it around for a cheap laugh.
  • You can use it to create pathways anywhere you want.
  • Lightsabers make mock sword-fighting super flashy.
  • Knowing how to use one makes getting into a Star Wars movie easier.

Cons:

  • It doesn’t look as cool if you cut your arm off.
  • It’s not a popsicle, so it can’t be eaten.
  • It’s not a flashlight, either, and can make things awkward when turned on in tight quarters during a power outage.
  • Your mom will ground you if she catches you using it.
  • Once grounded, your dad will confiscate it and use it for himself.
  • Your cat might blow up if she catches it.
  • Using it in most public places might get you arrested, especially if you keep it concealed.
  • If you aren’t that good at sword-fighting, then a lightsaber will really make that clear.
  • Most of the lightsabers in the Star Wars movies are effects-driven and fake, so bringing in your real one could cause some issues.

So, that concludes Star Wars week at Drinking Café Latte at 1pm.

Stay tuned for news about my upcoming e-book surprise. (My opening statement gives a clue about what’s coming soon.)

 

How to Pet a Wookie

December 17, 2015

Wookie: An eight-foot-tall hairy man-beast that walks, grunts, and navigates spaceships like a normal human being. Can often be seen traveling with rogues. Best known for being a part of the Star Wars universe.

So, you’ve got your eyes on a wookie that you want to pet? I’ll give you some good tips on how to do this, but I must also encourage you to question whether this is a good idea.

Step 1: Find your wookie. It’s difficult to pet a wookie if you can’t find it.

Step 2: Take caution when approaching a wookie. Wookies are temperamental creatures that can tear off your limbs if you disrespect them.

Step 3: Ask the wookie if you can pet him/her/it. They are sentient creatures; they will let you know if you ask.

Step 3a: Wookies don’t actually speak, they grunt. Listen closely to make sure you’re clear on their answer.

Step 4: If the wookie says yes, then go ahead and pet him/her/it. If the answer says no, then refrain from petting this wookie and find yourself another wookie.

Warning: Remember, petting a wookie when he/she/it says no is very dangerous. Wookies can rip arms, legs, and other body parts off your body without much trouble. They are as powerful as bears. It is very difficult to pet anything, much less a wookie, if you’re missing your hands. Don’t let a wookie rip off your hands. Be respectful of his/her/its wishes. If the wookie says no, don’t pet its furry hide.

Notes: Because wookies don’t speak, they grunt, it’s helpful to know the difference between their yesses and nos.

Yes: A “yes” in the wookie language is any grunt that lasts for 2 exact seconds.

No: A “no” in the wookie language is any grunt that lasts for 1.98 seconds.

Keep this in mind before you ask the wookie if you can pet him/her/it. It might not only allow you to fulfill your dream of petting a wookie, but it could also save your life.

Step 5: In the event that you do get to pet a wookie, please go see your licensed therapist for a checkup. Wookies are imaginary creatures that exist only in movies and costume shops.

 

Seven Quotes that Sound Awkward Anywhere but at the Beach

November 19, 2015

This is just for fun. About three years ago I was at the beach and this list came to mind. I originally wrote it for Facebook, but I thought it should be part of the blogosphere. Enjoy.

Seven things overheard at the beach that would sound awkward anywhere else:
1. “Ow, everything’s burning me!”
2. “There’s sand in my shorts.”
3. “Ick, I got salt up my nose.”
4. “I think I just stepped on a sea creature.”
5. “Have you seen where I put my shirt?”
6. “Wow, you dig a nice moat.”
7. “I can’t believe I finally got the shower to myself.”

Feel free to add your own awkward phrases in the comments below.