Searching for Something

Another note I had written (to someone, maybe?) about spiritual matters that predates the birth of Drinking Cafe Latte at 1pm. Like my other early journals I’ve posted in the last few days (from March 17-21, 2014; if you haven’t been keeping score, I’ve posted just over 40 backdated blogs in the last three days), I thought this one has a message worth thinking about if you’re reading this and are the kind of person who likes to think about things.

Originally written on March 26, 2004:

I can’t think of any news off hand to share, but I’m sure something will come about soon enough. On a spiritual note, I realized this week that I feel as though I’m searching for something that is otherwise unfulfilling. As you’re probably aware, I’ve been stressed out for the last few months because I wasn’t sure when I’d get an income again. I never lost hope that it would come, but I got tired of all the fruitless searching that I felt like I had invested in. And even though I finally got that income again, and it’s coming from a place that I’m honored to be a part of (where many jobs in the past were not as rewarding), I still feel a bit unsatisfied. In a nutshell I feel as though the things that I’m asking God to provide are ultimately not what I truly need. Of course I need a job and so on and so forth, but something else has been missing, so it’s been a struggle to figure out what it is that I need and desire. To some degree I feel as though I’m spending way too much prayer asking God for needs and desires to be met, and not really concentrating on the relationship. And the argument that follows is that God takes pleasure in any contact I make with Him, whether I’m making a request, or just using and enjoying a gift that He’s given. But something about that seems limited to me, as if I’m just using Him for my advantage. I’d rather know God in a different light, coming to Him in joy and hope, rather than in doubt and condition. It’s a lot to process in my opinion, but I’m just tired of feeling out of place or disconnected from truth. I’m also tired of my deepest conversations being based around something I’m despairing over. I’m also tired of the fact that when happiness comes about, the sensory overload distracts me away from intimate fellowship with God and I end up caving in some area of my heart, falling into despair once again. My hope is to change my thinking so that the Lord will be my strength more than my Santa Claus.