How to Build a Droid

December 15, 2015

So, with Star Wars: The Force Awakens coming to theaters this week, I think it’s about time we spend a week talking about it. And what better way to kick it off than to write a fake review, which I did last night and you should totally read it if you want to laugh, cringe, cry, or pull your hair out by the roots because it’s that fun. But I digress. Today I want to talk about droids.

No, not the cellphone that plays games and hacks your Facebook while you’re asleep. The original droids, the ones found in the Star Wars universe. You know, “These are not the droids you are looking for,” yet, they totally are the ones you’re looking for (unless you’re looking for the dang cellphone droid, in which case, these are not the droids you are looking for).

In honor of good people in Hollywood deciding it’s time to bring back Han Solo and friends, I want to talk about building a droid. You all remember how Anakin Skywalker built C3PO in Episode I and abandoned him, right? Well, we are going to do the same!

First, you need to find the right materials. If you get some screws, a screwdriver, a bunch of metal pipes, some wires, a couple of flashlights, batteries, sheet metal, paper, chewing gum, uranium, some bobby pins, a second screwdriver, a bottle of scotch, magnets, an old calculator, and something that looks like a USB jack, even if it’s actually a gem clip, then you should have most of everything you need.

Second, you want to put it all together. How? Well, first you bend the sheet metal into a trapezoidal shape, and then bend it again. Then you put your flashlights in the middle—or wherever you left a hole big enough to hold them. Then you run some wires down the back of the flashlight through however many metal pipes you found. Then you want to join the pipes and sheet metal together with some magnets and secure them with the chewing gum.

Now’s a good time to down a fifth of scotch.

Next you fix the “USB jack” to the sheet metal with your second screwdriver. Or you can use your first. Doesn’t matter. Then you want to open the back of the calculator and store its guts in the center of the sheet metal and secure it with the bobby pin. Stick a battery in it, throw out any uranium you didn’t use, and viola! You have your droid:

droid joke 2

Tomorrow we’ll talk about getting it to work. You’ll probably need more scotch for that.

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